2001-07-25 | 12:37 a.m.

Do you get back what you put out? I'm wondering if that's true. I mean if I look for love and satisfaction in what I do and say, can I actually find it?

From experience, a lot of my life has been spent doing stuff I'd rather not do. Since childhood if I seriously think about it. So now, if I stop, I wonder if I'll be able to find the fun. The experience, the love. Stuff that makes things a lot easier in life. And so yeah a lot of my past was spent doing stuff I didn't really want to do. But now. Now there's a whole new world out there for me.

I would break out into some Disney song but I've forgotten it and let's face it there could never be any chubby, bitchy character in one of their motion pictures. Still there is a whole brand new world. I just have to look at it and smile. Watch and grow and learn. Become more educated. And if I don't like what I'm doing then maybe I can change it to a manner that I will find more pleasing. And so I can change. I can move. I can expand. I can learn and grow and mold myself. And I love having the knowledge that this is possible because this is the start of it all.

I got the role of film developed. A few beauties came out. There were actually a lot of good pictures. There were some of people that I don't associate myself with so it was kinda odd to see myself grouped up with them once again. But on the most part there were some really good photo's.

Of course I looked like a little porky pig but thats to be expected. I'm pale and chubby - I have no shame in my game after all. I do think however, that when I go out at night and its rather warm then I should stick with minimal make up. Because at the end of the night faded baby blue eyeshadow looks weird. Glitter as always is fine, but less is more now.

You know you'd think that packing would be my forte. But no...not at all. In fact I hate it. No, I abhore it. It's a pain in the ass and I know it takes more organization than I have left in me, thanks to the blair bitch within my uterus. But it must be done. So I plan to do so...you know, eventually. (Hopefully sometime before the morning hits where I begin to panic and throw everything and anything in the bag.) Because I admit I've done that. And I ended up with a bag filled with crap I really didn't need.

The unusual thing about this though is that when I was a kid I had a natch for the whole packing bags thing. I was a pro. I could pack up my room in under a day. I had to. We moved around so much. But now a days. Now a days I hate it. And I can't understand how I lost the talent. Perhaps it was left in one of the many boxes I let go. Or left behind. I'm hoping once I start packing things will just fall into place and I'll remember. I'd hate to actually forget that talent.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t