2001-04-08 | 5:09 p.m.

Desire is a powerful motivator. Some people crave the "wild side of life." I just wanted normal. Perhaps this is why I am making all these promises to myself. Why I am quitting things left and right and giving up on ideas which frankly are completely out of my realm. Not because I can't reach them if I truly wanted too. But because I don't think I need to reach for them anymore. I feel this odd sensation, like I was walking around in this daze before and now I've slipped away from it and suddenly I know I can, and I know I will. In my own pace.

My journal is getting bigger and bigger day by day and I wonder if I should stop. I have this diaryland and granted I am not as open as I am in my paper journal, but at the same time that paper journal is filled with evidence. Words that could be used to taunt or harm me. And I'm beginning to wonder if I should really let it hang around my room and my life. I imagine it could be upsetting to certain people that may read it. Hopefully none of them will ever get a chance to do so. It's not that I'm rude or obnoxious in it at all. I just don't censor myself whatsoever in it. Which means I can hate a person and love them from one minute to another. I can think of things that I will never say but eventually write it all down. Which means this is a big black book of secrets that should be seriously kept somewhere out of reach of everyone's prying eyes. I doubt I could stop writing in it. But maybe I can start living more now rather than writing the paths I want to take.

I started my mini photo album. Basically what I want to do is create this album I can take with me anywhere. Not that I will always tote it around. But it's good to have. In it I will eventually put in all the photo's that I love. Which will probably consist of friends and I. When I manage to finish this little concoction I think I will come out with something very wicked. Especially since they are all fabulous photo's of people who I love and care about. Oh and I don't look half bad in them too which is a bonus.

I've given up on the heavy eye make up. Especially when I go out at night. Not that it isn't fun. But I have to cut back or else my skin will look horrible. I have to start treating myself better and putting all these products on my skin are not helping. I'm going to go back to basics for a little. Nothing over the top for a bit. Because after all I'm pretty young enough to still go with less. Talking about make up can lead me into talking about this new Janet Jackson music video clip I saw recently for a song I believe is called 'It's All For You'. I just have one little problem with it. Yes it's a nice pop song that I can hum along to but what the hell is up with her outfits? She changes quite frequently which is fine by me but then she's in a get up which is half leather coat and half not? It's very distracting and I totally think it takes away from what she's trying to do. Of course that's just my little opinion. I just don't dig the half leather coat look.

On Friday when I went out I purchased this red lipstick and lip gloss and lip liner. I think it's probably one of the best buy's I've had in a long time. I don't know how to explain it. I just know that the color is what I've always been searching for. It's sort of this vixen pin up girl red and when I add the gloss it gets even better 0 if that's even possible. I'm so happy that I have it that I don't even want to share the names. I want to keep it a secret all to myself. I'll just say that they're from MAC and that really whoever created them are genius's.

I feel stronger. Not physically yet. But mentally yeah. Like I'm kicking ass left and right in some sort of kung fu chick movie. I kept thinking that I would fail if I looked other ways but I'm finding that even though I do I am getting stronger because of it. I am getting stronger towards people who say they wish me the best but backstab me. People who do things I would never do and laugh. I used to look on shocked. I don't anymore. I move on past them. And if I stay then its only because I am dancing in my spot and laughing at the fact that they so do not rock and because I love myself I do. Because I'm getting to like my skin. I'm getting to like the expanse of it all. The strength and determination which is often misunderstood for being stubborn. I'm constantly laughing now because this fool can see what she hasn't in a while. I won't do anything for anybody anymore because I'm somebody. And this somebody is not someone to be messed with. So a big fucking huzzah for me! And for the rest of them, well I'm over them. I'm over it. I'm choosing something more important then anything out there can be. I'm choosing me. And damn it feels right. It feels good. It feels as if I should of been doing this a damn long time ago. And I just feel all right. This girl ain't crying any more.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t