2001-04-13 | 4:26 p.m.

I have true colors. I do. I may not be like you, or you, or you. But I know that I am me. I know that I have love within me. I know that I have love surrounding me. I know that from pain and disappointment I can grow. I also know that happiness is spontaneous and can make me fight even more for what I want. I try not to judge. I try not to doubt. I try to become stronger so I can walk on my own. My colors are different from each and everyone of you.

I try to think my light shines brightly, but when I look in the mirror I am the one intent in seeing the flaw. The specific thing that makes me stand out but also the thing that makes me want to hurl a rock at said mirror.

I try to look the other way when people are rude or mean to me. When I get kicked down I always get back up again. And it may take some time for me to get my bearings but I always do. Thus leaving me always available to get pushed down again.

I'm round. I'm curves. I'm not thin and tall. I'm a Brazilian without a Brazilian bombshell body. I may have big breasts but they aren't perky unless encased in a special bra. I have a belly. I'm pale. Not tanned what so ever. And I don't tan. I go from white to lobster red in a matter of minutes. The hair is growing, it's not as long as I used to have. The nails are short and practical even though when I look at fake plastic nails on people I always wonder how it would feel like to have them on. Talons? Claws? Or simply nails? I have lips I wish were bigger. I look at Angelina Jolie and Jessica Alba Jessica Alba and wish I looked more like them. I realize I probably look more like Edina. I cope with what I got.

I have visions of a nice, gentle, kind man who makes me laugh to sweep me off my feet. I've been told I'm an hopeless romantic. I've also been told I'm a fool to believe in such things. That as women now a days we should feel empowered to create our own destiny's. I am. But what's wrong with sharing that destiny with a companion? A lover? A friend? I believe that we all create our own fate. I'm just hoping that my fate will show me a few things or two.

I listen to different types of music. I'm not a nose wrinkler when something I don't enjoy comes on the radio. That's probably because I really enjoy a lot of stuff. Everything from rap to pop. I'm not ashamed to say that I'm a Madonna fan from the beginning. Or that secretly I know some cheesy lyrics to even cheesier songs. I can hum along to Brittany Spears or Limp Bizkit. I hear Blink 182 and suddenly I feel like jumping up and down like a kid. Music feed's the soul. I realize how lucky I am to enjoy so many different types of it.

I love glitter. I enjoy using it on my skin. I always think it makes me luminescent. Like some sort of glitter ladybug. I also love make up. I have way too many lipsticks. All pink's and red's. My mother looks at them and doesn't see why I have so many. I see a bunch of tubes coming from the same family but all sharing a different hue. I like to line my eyes with black liquid eye liner too. But not in a gothic way. I gently pull it across my lid and turn it up at the end so I look a little like I have cats eye's. Sometimes I use the same technique over blue or pink or lilac eyeshadow. It always definitely gives me the kick my eyes need. Of course smudging is also fun. Dabbing the brown pencil around the eye and using my fingertips to smudge the lines away. Blending till all you see if soft and smoky. That's fun because there are no lines, just softness. I like softness - always have, and always will.

I watch too much television. I know I do. And yet I still do it. I sit on my bed and watch everything from Will & Grace to The X Files. I can say I'm a tad obsessed with The X Files since I have magazine covers of David Duchovny & Gillian Anderson framed all over my walls. If you come into my room it looks like I'm still in high school. Except I don't use scotch tape to post these pictures on my wall. I use glass frames. And they all look so pretty staring down at me.

I love chocolate. Gianduia chocolate to be exact. But there's also a chocolate only found in the Bloomingdale's chocolate store and its divine. It's got such a simple name: oval. But its texture is dreamy and it entices my tongue and tastebuds. I love flowers also. but I'm not the typical red rose girl. I like daises. I love gardenia's. When I get roses I usually like the quirky one's. The one's with character. Not the red roses. The pale yellow one's with salmon at the tips of their petals. Or the deep pink ones. The smaller pale pink one's are cute also but I'd rather have a funkier flower to look at.

I love food. It's pretty obvious by my body type. But I'm weird with food also. I hate ice cream. I'm not a great fan of butter on bread. I like to eat my bread with a bit of salt and that's it. A flick of the wrist and that's it. I love pasta. Especially the one that my mom makes or the one I do. I like to eat at French restaurants. Especially one here in NYC called 'Jubilee'. I don't like spicy food though. I can't handle my pepper what so ever. I'm not a sweet tooth person either. Although I will never turn down a milk chocolate truffle.

I have many moods. I'm a Gemini. I have many colors, and they are all true. And one of these day's I'm going to wake up and realize that with all my flaws I am the person I am meant to be. I am the little girl growing inside the woman. I am the butterfly who will one day spread her wings. And as lame as that may be I will one day see all of my true colors.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t