2001-08-06 | 6:59 p.m.

I was eating seeds today with a friend. Sunflower seeds to be exact, while sitting down and watching people pass by and sitting by a friend I haven't seen in ages, or what seems to be ages. I worked the salt off a seed with my tongue while simultaneously gazing pensively to my right towards him. My lips smacked together dryly and I couldn't quite help but want to bury my hand in my black and white bowler bag and retrieve my lip balm. I looked at him through purple tinted sunglasses, the sun was hitting his eyes and he was pushing his sunglasses up the bridge of his nose to subdue the hard focus of it, and I softly smiled.

I told him of all the things in the past. Of what he's missed so far. Of the hideous miscalculations with Kwazyboy. Of the crazy happenings with others. How I managed to become this atrocious bitch and push and pull at people and at myself. How my behavior was just not cool. But how I now felt better. How I now felt as if I had let it all go. How I now, wished I was the way I am now, before. And he told me that I had to go through my monster phase to become this brilliant person.

And I smiled, and he nodded his head. And it felt like old times. And too soon it was all over and he kissed my cheek and promised to call me this week before he goes back home. And I can't quite help but acknowledge the fact that he won't. Because I know him, and I know he won't. It would be like saying that one of Kwazyboy's 'maybes' was a definite yes. And I'm no fool, I know it means I won't. And while this would have thoroughly pissed me off long ago, now I just smile and nod my head as I watch him walk away and know he will have quite an adventure of his own here in NYC.

I smiled all the way walking back. And I know that I have changed the course of my life. That I am working to make it better. To make me better. I will be enrolling at Crunch soon where I plan to lose all this obscene amount of weight I carry. It's not good for me and I'm sick and tired of shopping for me in stores while I look like a sack of potatoes. So it's time for me to do something about it.

I have a killer rack, and I'm a smart cookie. It's time I do something with the rest of it all. And if I don't do it now when will I? And good lord I know it's going to be tough. But it really needs to be done. I can't keep going like this. I feel like I'm a beached whale as is already. So I need to step up to the challenge and do this. And I will. And I am going to be smart about it. And I'm going to work my ass off for it. And I'm pretty sure that I can do it. I think I can lose all the weight that I want to. And when I do I will wow people. My body will finally match my personality and things will just click into place like they are doing so mentally.

Like I said, I'm working to make things better.

I think I nestled beside this awful behavioral pattern I had. I was so scared to be anyone else but what I thought I should be. So scared to step away from the shell that I created for myself just because it was easy. It was comfortable. In the beginning of this year I hung out with people I liked but I hated myself. Somehow I ended up misplacing my hate and basically told them to fuck off. And while doing so I bashed them. And that's not cool.

And I went along my way and I suspected that I had done the right thing because others told me to cut off the extra fat. But the right thing for whom? The extra fat in what diet? And that's where I fucked myself over. I listened to what I shouldn't have. I cut them off and while doing so I ended up losing good stuff along the way. And now I have friends, and friends I like. But I miss the fat I cut along the way. But now I have to live with the stupid moves I made. And that's ok. Well it's really not ok but it's a lesson I had to learn.

And I think, or maybe I just hope that once again paths will cross and I'll become friends once again. And if not then maybe those friendships weren't meant to be. But you know I think now, either way, it's very big of me to admit all that I have. Admit that I fucked up. That's courageous. That's me moving on. That's me working on stuff to make it better. Besides I looked at it this way, either I face my future or fight my future. And it's not that I'm tired of fighting, it's just that I'd rather face what opportunity brings.

I renovated my filofax. Took out all the old stuff, organized, cleaned up the crap that has been in there for years, rewrote stuff, and voila! Presto Chango! The filofax is now rearranged and perfect! Well close to perfect as it's ever going to be. I also got my feet done with the nail polish I have on my hands which incidentally I brought back from Rio. Now they both look clean and pretty. And since I did my nails I doubt that my manicure will chip so fast. Because I'm dope like that and because I know a small Brazilian secret when doing nails which I won't divulge. The good stuff stays with the people that know it.

And with that I'm off!



p r e v i o u s // n e x t