2001-09-28 | 10:59 p.m.

You know I'm just like everyone else. I care about shit that right now shouldn't matter what so ever. And yet I get annoyed by it all. No, not annoyed, more like frustrated.

Take my problem with my paycheck. I didn't get paid at all as of yet. Which is like for the second "paycheck week" in a row. And while technically they blamed the 1st time around on the national disaster happening around us, well that wasn't the case. They had no money in the bank. They paid bills rather than people that work for them which is ridiculous because you take care of you people first before anything else. Clearly big head honcho knows jack shit. Whatever.

And it's not like I really care about the money. It's not. I live with my mom and dad, they will lend me money in a time of need like this one. But it's not even my time of need. It's more like an inconvenience. And yeah it sucks but I will get paid on Monday and that will resolve the matter. But it's the principle of it. It's like the owner of this company is one big baby and we have to do everything he says or else he throws a hissy fits and screams and yells at everyone.

And it's not even the principle about it at all anymore. It's more like it's ridiculous. Why am I focusing on something like this when there are people out here in NYC who have lost a hell of a lot more than a few hundred bucks? They've lost family, and friends. Fuck I've lost friends. And here I am thinking about money. I feel disgusting. Like finally I see what I've become. Just another consumerist fish swimming in a big capitalistic pond.

And I should change. I should change because it's not the clothes I wear or the purses I carry. It's not the money I have that will be able to take me out for dinner or drinks. Nothing's about that anymore. And it never will be.

Everything just seems so ridiculous. So improper. So not important to what is happening out on my NYC streets. And I'm tired of this. Tired of people thinking that if they buy a flag they are patriotic. What happened to your patriotism before? Did it take a fucking terrorist attack to bring your red, white, and blues out?

The day after, when I attempted to come into work there was no one around in Union Square. It was early morning. And yet there was a line of street vendors setting up already. Making sure they had all their flags and pins and buttons and all sorts of crappy merchandise so that any materialistic sucker could come up, buy something and pretend they have pride for their country.

And maybe they do. And maybe the flag you wave around or the button or pin you wear lets you sleep at night. Gives you some comfort, but it doesn't do jackshit for me. None of these products help me sleep let alone feel alright.

The world is fucked up. I'm fucked up for shopping so insanely for things that never really mattered to begin with in the past. And it's time for a change. Time to dump the "chi-chi-frou-frou" attitude I have had living here in NYC. Who cares if I was here or there? Drinking cocktails with her or him? It doesn't matter! It's all petty bullshit. It doesn't make the world go around. And I don't know what does and maybe I never will. But I'm tired of being blinded. I'm going to open my eyes and do something. Because whatever I am doing now is not cutting it, and let's face it, having a few libations every night while the parental units are asleep and then chasing them with pills is not a good thing for me to do. It's not calming my nerves or making me numb.

I've had it. Seriously. Just had it. I need to stop, look around, and step out of the damn box I concentrated so hard in making. There is no box anymore. It was blown up and burnt. And now. Now I have to step out and I'm not going to turn my eyes away again. I will not be blind anymore. I will see.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t