2000-05-21 | 08:14:29

Tonight I discovered something. Something that came unexpected with the arrival of a soft chaste kiss by a man I never really cared about to begin with. I'm the type of woman who will never be able to find her "man" because he is nonexsistant. The only close hybred of that man is long gone and won't be coming back to this land. So I'm unrealistically standing around on the outside waiting for a man who will never show up.

And you may ask yourself why is this? I just want too much. I've come to that conclusion. My right man needs to want to spend the rest of his life with me. He would love me and cherish me. He would trust my instincts and respect my ideas. He would make me think and dream and believe in the impossible. He would touch the deepest part of me and make me ache with desire. And he would be the type of man that I could give all of myself to without losing who I am. And let's just face it that is just way too much too ask of someone else.

So I'll just stay alone. I'll have conversations within my head and I'll play pretend there is a man out there for me. except he will be in my dreams and I will have a wonderful life with him in my dreams.

OK I've lost it. I'm finally trapsing into a delusional world! It must be all the Vitamin C I've been chewing lately. Yes that's it. It can't be the last Ally McBeal episode, oh no, hell no!

I need some candy. I've been craving it all night long. And instead of actually purchasing some I sucked down martini's. Nothing like getting buzzed and then letting the bartender know he can skip out on the olives because they take too much room in my drink. Oh yes...I was buzzed ladies and gentlemen of the court. But I am safely home and not that buzzed at all. It always happens though. I get home, and instead of just flopping down in bed, I wash my face and do other girlie rituals. Hell I'm online now and I should be in bed quietly listning to some classical music before I head over to snoozeland. But no, I'm online because I had to make sure I sent E an email that would explain what was running through my head. Like he gives a flying shit to begin with. He'll skip right through it knowing him. But whatever.

I'm getting on another craze of Vonda Shepard songs. It's pretty sick. I've been constantly listening to her now a days and I don't know if its because the majority of her stuff is lam-o mushy crap or if its because I'm PMSing. I dunno anymore. I just know its still good.

But now off to bed I go before the pounding on the keyboard starts to match the pounding in my head...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t