2000-05-20 | 04:50:18

My problem is that I analyze TOO much. I look at people and think and think and think and think and think and think about them till I can't stop the thinking. No wait that's not true. I can stop, it's just that I'm left with an after taste. And I wish I wasn't. I wish I could just be blase about everything and anything. Let the thoughts just fly right by. But I'm not like that at all. I will never be. And maybe that's not so bad after all? It seems to me that certain people are not what I expect them to be. And that's not saying that they are bad people, just people I thought I shared some plateau with. And maybe this is me being just too fucking snobby about it all - but I don't think I'm like them at all. I think I will never be, and that's also not a bad thing.

But I do think that I need to find a balance in between those worlds. My reality is a little twisted. I live in a fairy land where people don't hurt and aren't cruel, and yet when I really open my eyes there are distinct people that do just so.

Tonight was a hard day at work. I just didn't want to be there. I was both a little crabby and kooky. Not a good mix, and I found myself biting my tongue on many occasions in fear that others would hear the comments coming out of my pretty pink mouth. I suppose it's because I haven't had much sleep when I do lay in bed and I have been out a lot. Of course my soul is also restless. I've finished one hurdle and while I'm supposed to be enjoying this time I'm not. I'm just dwelling on things that I know I will have to face sooner or later. I never seem to look up, I'm always looking down. That's bad. I need to stare at the sun a little, smile with ambiguity and notice the beauty in life. Except I'm such a slave to my words. I hide in the darkness of my room writing thoughts running through my head instead of playing outside in the rain.

I typed up my invitation to my birthday/graduation party. Now I just want to go to a copy place and see if they can make it on a thicker paper and maybe have it in color or something like that, or maybe just black on white. Although I would like to have it the other way, white on black. That would look cool. I also have to find my photography teacher who seems to have fallen of the face of the earth. I need to get her evaluation on my final prints so that I can go matt them and then frame them and hang them up in school. I need to, which means I need to do it for the grade which means I'm nervous because I haven't found her yet. But things will all be okay. I'm just stressing right now. It will all be good.

I love glittery things. I have to admit, I really do. I guess I'm girlie that way. I like the sparkle and glimmer of it all, makes me think that I'm a glitterbug. I wasn't fascinated with glitter as a child but now a days it's like a great miracle to me, I "ooo" and "ahh" at it whenever I get the chance. Silly, I know, and yet one of these days I think we can all become glitterbugs - or at least be one for a day.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t