2000-06-06 | 06:56:14

I don't feel like myself at all. But then does this mean that I am someone else? It's all so confusing.

I had my award and hooding ceremony tonight. It was just as boring as I had believed it was going to be. Set in a church with wooden pews that kept my back straight and my tush hurting (oh how the nuns would love that) I listened to an endless procession of people babbling on and on.

Of course at the end of the ceremony I rush out of the church as fast as my little legs can carry me and head home with the parental units. I felt like shit and even though the units were incredibly proud and happy all I wanted was to go to bed and sleep. And now here I am. Not refreshed from sleep at all. I feel like I went through a cycle in a washing machine. I know I have a cold, for sure, I mean I had a high fever before. But now...now I just feel clammy and yucky and I would kill to open my windows and sleep with a breeze hitting me. But that's how I got into this sick mess to begin with so I'll bite my own hands off before I even attempt that little procedure.

Something is wrong with my yahoo homepage. Which sucks since I remodeled it and the content of my layout is more, well I guess organized. I have a journal archive and all. But apparently something is wrong in yahoo geocities land and I am off the market for a bit. I hoep it doesn't put me out of commition for too long. I like tooling around on my little web space. Just as much as I like to write on here.

Tommorrow I have to go get my wonderful funds from work. I am so sick of being crackwhore broke. I can't wait to get some money to actually be able to be girlie and do stuff. On Wednesday I get to go to a focus group at 10AM. Its a horrendous time in the morning (especially since lately I've been waking up later) but it will give me some much needed cash also. I hope to buy my shoes with the cash I receive from that little shindig. So it all works out, as usual.

You know there are moments when I think I'm pregnant. And well since I haven't been getting any at all this could be considered the immaculate conception if it is true - although very unlikely that it is. Its just that I get these cravings. So strange. As I was sitting down in the ceremony today all I wanted was popcorn and seltzer water. Coming home in my sick state I craved pizza. But Italian pizza, not the pizza you get here in NYC. I want the pizza I used to eat when I was a kid in Italy.

(Can you say deusional - much?!)

The new Melissa Etheridge song called 'Scarecrow' is damned powerful. Of course I get frustrated and angry everytime I hear it. I think I let too many things effect me. I mean it can be movies to songs to what peopke say. But this song. This song is beautiful. Just the imagery that she gives is astounding. So I try not to listen to it too much or else I end up beating my fists into hard objects and having mini crying fits. Still, the song is incredible. I think I'm going to write to Melissa Etheridge and let her know how beautiful and powerful it really is. Sure I bet she gets a bunch of mail but then again I would really liek to tell her what I think of the song.

I wrote him something. I want to give him the tape I made as well. But I really like the tape and I think my words are better. Because I actually sat down and wrote by hand this nice and beautiful letter. I want him to keep it and when he opens it up I want him to think of me. I want him to smile everytime he does open that letter. And I think he will. I'm going to give it to him when I get back to my normal schedule on Wednesday. Its just easier and I want to hand it personally rather than leaving it with someone else to give it to him. So I won't. I'll wait and have the patience and hand it to him and see if a smile breaks on his face when he does read it. Because I think one will. I think he'll turn to me and smile and I'll smile back. Because everything I wrote in that letter came from the heart, my heart, and he will know it to be true. But then again he always does. He's crazy after all.

On a silly note tomorrow there's a new episode of the Real World in New Orleans. I'm going to see if I check it out when I get back from the ceremony. I have to admit I love the cheesy show. Its grown on me, ever since the first cast in NYC. Plus everyone loves to be a voyeur one time or another...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t