2000-07-28 | 07:40:48

I'm beginning to feel more like Madame De Tourvel than

Marquise De Merteuil in this mad game I'm playing.

I don't like that at all. I don't want to be a pussy. I want to win without backing out. If I do then I could just stamp a loser on my forehead and put myself out with the trash. I don't want to be a pussy and be scared of this. I'm having it my way on so many levels that I don't know why I am so scared to let go now. I've changed, why can't I allow for this to happen? Why do I have to be so damn scared? Why do I want to scurry back to my good girl roots? Maybe its because I'm a goody 2 shoes after all.

Damn I hate it when half of my brain (the good kid part) knows the truth.

Apparently I am: "Blanca como el dia y veneno por la noche". Somehow that doesn't make me feel nice and comfy. I heard that tonight from someone and I am begining to realize that maybe being Madame De Tourvel isn't so bad after all. Sure she was vulnerable, but goddamn she was human...and maybe that's what matters. Being human that is. Having a heart. But if that's true then I would love to know why my heart fucks me over all the time. If its good to be so passionate then why do I end up getting screwed (and no not in a good way)?

The only difference I do feel now a days is the respect thing. I didn't respect myself before. I really didn't. I threw respect out the window and let everyone and their mother walk all over me. But now, now I am not so willing to bend for other people. They have to give or else I won't budge at all. And that's good because I was far too foolish before.

But even though I feel like I've accomplished a lot why is it that I still feel like I'm sitting in stagnant waters?

Damn...

I really like the song, 'Sullen Girl' by STP. I'm not much of a fan of their other work but this song is really sweet. And the video is kinda weird but very interesting. It makes me want to dance alone in my room, if that makes sense.

I need to go out and have a night of pure unadulturated fun. Something mindless and senseless. Lately everything seems to involve too much thinking. I wish I had an 'off' and 'on' switch to my brain. I think if I had one things would just be so much easier. It woudl allow me to live a little more I think. Because I keep myself in cages but somewhere deep inside my heart I know I'm kinda wild.

I feel like there is a spill on aisle 5 in my brain. I need someone to help me clean it up. I wish I had one of those megaphones. If I did I would scream into it: "Attention Shoppers..there's a spill in aisle 5 - can someone bring a mop?"

If only that were possible...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t