2000-12-01 | 07:06:23

Went out to celebrate a friends birthday. I wish I stayed at home instead. Nothing like having the past knock you down and having people you know and like, treat you like shit.

Yeah. Um...Hi! I got punched in my head tonight. I won't even go there right now. I'm just annoyed.

The only highlight of the night was getting my 'Dicks' t shirt. Because you know I'm bedazzeling that baby.

Tomorrow is another quest for a job. I am so sick and tired of this shit. Yet I continue. I'm hoping that when one door closes the other opens up wide enough for me to walk through. I'm tired of this bullshit. Tired of taking it all and swallowing bull when I know in the end I'm good enough and smart enough.

I am using my hello kitty wallet. I've had it ever since I was like what? 11 years old? And its still in almost perfect condition. I love it so much still. It represents so much of me when I was a kid. So much sillyness and joyfullness. I'm hoping all my good memories from it will end up rubbing me the right way.

I have such a headache. Not surprising though. When you recieve a blow from a fist near your ear you know its not gonna be a happy patch of skin. Of course I'm a retard. Really. What the fuck was I thinking?

On a strange and yet enlightening view I think I am going to go on the down low for a bit. Not becuase I am running out of cash but because the situations and the people I am hanging around in are not good for me. I don't need them and I know that they are not wanted. Did I really think I could lead some sort of glam rock lifestyle? Seriously I am not schlumming it like that anymore. I don't need to be around drugs and so much alcohol like this. I don't use any of this shit so I don't know why I need to be surrounded by it. These are the times when I miss going out with A & E and just dancing are asses off to silly and ghetto music and having a few drinks and bouncing the whole night away. Now a days its always going out with people who need their fix for some substance they abuse.

I am not one of these types of people. The only thing I need a fix of is the X Files and coca cola and chocolate. I'm a simple girl after all. I can do without the rest. So yeah, I'm not going to holler about anything. I'm going on the down low and resting my weary head.

It's funny though, I wander from one group of people to the next in search of something. I don't know what I'm searching for anymore. I just think maybe I don't need to search anymore because whatever I was looking for is inside. It's in my family roots. Its in my brothers smiles and laughs. It's in my mother's careing words. In my fathers hugs. In the emails I get from family members all around the world encouraging or loving me. I was so angry before, so bitter. I'm alive. I'm not dead. What I know for sure now is that I'm not hanging on anyone's empty promises anymore. I'm going to be swallowing up the unconditional love I recieve from my family and from the friends that are family. No more acting like a rebelious fool. I only get into trouble that way.

I know for sure that turbulance is never a pretty ride. so I'm jumping out before I hurt myself anymore.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t