2000-12-03 | 23:48:05

I'm grueling slowly to a point I don't think I want to be at. And its not like it can be pushed through or I can walk around it at all. It's something I have to face sooner or later. The problem is that I'm just searching for just one more thing that will make it all better. It won't. The only thing that will is my head poundign on a hard surface continuously until it enters my head that these things aren't supposed to happen and I don't live in this unrealistic bubble others do. I can't go along for their ride because it wasn't mine to begin with. I have to smarten up and fucking grow up at the same time.

So yeah thats what I plan to do in due time. You know in like a week or so, or hopefully less than that.

Career update - what career? I have no job. I have no money. Which means I am a sorry son of a bitch, or well to put it correctly a sorry daughter of a bitch. Except my mother really isn't a bitch, more like a nagging mule so my point is once again flawed.

It looks like my Xmas plans might not be an option this year. Because of issues, and I do mean huge fucking issues I might just stay here in the city. The cold fucking city where snow falls and where I can't just up and leave. Oh no! Doesn't look like I'll make the caipirinha rounds at all this year which boggles my mind. Actually it makes me feel retched also. I really wanted to go. But just like a snap of the fingers shit turns around and bites my ass. So I guess I'll stay here in this cold and windy city and feel my way amongst the freaks I know will remain. That is if I even feel like emerging from the warm cocoon I will create.

Off to other things now. I've sent about 20 resumes already. Checked my email. Called who I was supposed to call. Done what I was supposed to do. Now all I want to do is burrow under my covers and wait for The X Files and The Practice. Then I can go to sleep and walk aroudn all day tomorrow in search for some dumbfuck career. Here's hoping I get some luck for this week.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t