2001-02-25 | 18:47:24

I need to take some time out to get the fuck out of this city. I'm going mad. Really I am. I feel like Glen Close in Fatal Attraction. Except there is no man, no amazing job, or family I need to ruin. I keep looking at people or situations to try to fill this empty space within me. But nothing will fill it up. And maybe its because nothing will help me until I help myself. I'm trying to move mountains when I can't even lift up pebbles at the moment. Shit doesn't change until you change yourself.

And I may sound like I've lost my footing. And I have. But I've past the point of panic now. I've come to the point where I feel caged. Where I pace back and forth because I feel as if these bubbles are going to burst around me. And I'm under water and I'm swimming hard to get to the top but the more I try the firmer I stay put. It's crazy. I'm mad, and I think I've stated that already.

And I know that all matters is how I feel inside. That what I need is to feel warmth again instead of running cold water. But being numb is a hell of a lot better than letting the drowning voices clamber within. Nothing stops them unless I'm hushed into a haze of pounding words thrummed loudly into my ears. And I play songs over and over again just so that things will be silent in my head. Just so that the only words repeated are the one's from songs. And they aren't spectacular songs. They are songs that I hope will stick to my head so that in those spare moments nothing will infiltrate the brain other than the stupid songs.

You know my plans don't mean shit. You don't direct fate. Fate directs you. I won't try to understand it anymore. I'm just going to go with the flow that what you get is what you see. There's no use in trying to show yourself off when no one really gives a damn. And I will make sure to realize that I don't need to give a damn because there isn't a greater mystery to it all. There are no glitterbug babies holding my hand into the sunshine. All there is, is my stubborn head and my will to keep moving. And I will keep moving. Because standing still is something I've never done. Something I won't do. Because whatever I do there is a knowledge that I need to comprehend and that is the need to not give a damn. Because what your going get is what you see. And I have to learn this. Say it as a mantra. Because if I don't I will continuously be hurt. And I've had enough. No really. I have. It's come to that point and NOW I've passed it.

And I don't have beef with anyone. I've just realized that the respect I hand out shouldn't be handed out so freely. Because no one deserves it and the most important thing is that I start to take care of myself. Start to realize that there is no way people can stop me or break my spirit because I am not giving them that right. I am not allowing them to cross that bridge. Because all those bridges have been blown up. They don't exsist anymore. I'm not going to let shit happen anymore. Because I don't need it and I'm not going to settle for it anymore. Fuck that. Fuck them. And here I go, because this is a new round and the music is going to get louder and I am going to walk into places like I fucking own them and I'm going to treat people like they need to be treated. Nothing's going to touch this heart of mine anymore. Nobody is going to have the nerve or the possibility. I'm just going to be the me that everyoen thinks I should never be. And you know what? Like I give a fuck what anyone thinks of me? Really! If I win then thats all that matters. What good is a heart when it can be easily stepped on? No good. So now the bitch is back in town and she don't give a fuck.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t