2001-03-21 | 06:28 p.m.

It's all in my mix. That's what it's all about. And I have to find a way to let things go. Let people go and not feel this gut wretching pain. Realizing that yes, some things are done out of spite but that maybe within all this microcosm of madness fate works in mysterious ways.

Perhaps because I'm not supposed to be this person's friend I am supposed to become a better individual? I'm trying to justify to myself why it is that yes I do indeed seem to push everyone I love away. And it's not like I didn't know this was coming.

Deep down inside I knew that there would come a time where I would turn and walk away. Because that's what I always do. I never stay. I always walk away. And frankly I wish I could blame it on the fact that I never grew up in just one place. But it's a weak attempt at best. I'm just fucked up in some royal way. Preffering to walk away from people before they walk away from me. It's taken me 5 years with this person, I wonder how long it will take for me to cross that line with the other near and dear to me people. Because deep down I know I will at some point. I know I will burrow inside and run. Because running is what I do. What I've always done. What I will no doubtedly do again.

At times I think it's because I let people get too close. There are day's when I want certain people to just come inside of me and explore, just so they could see the pretty thing's and the major imperfections. Because maybe if they saw it all then they would know. Then they would knwo why and how I tick and why I do what I do. Because I for one sure as hell don't.

Work was silent as usual. I don't talk there at all. Which I guess is not a good thing since it let's my mind fester with thing's it shouldn't. But everybody there is just so silent and calm and I just feel like there's no room for me to talk. And I knwo that sounds silly. But really - if you walk in there everyoen is silent. Everyone merely nod's to each other in the morning. Like it's some sort of code. I guess this is making me into a person that can acknowledge that silence can be golden. But hey it's also making me go crazy. And I do feel more so lately that I am indeed going mad.

Mad...yes, very mad.

There has got to be something very wrong with me. I watched 'Dirty Dancing' the other day on tv - a rerun, and all my mind can focus on is when Patrick Swayze say's "Nobody puts Baby in the corner".

*arghhh*

Corner's. It's all about corner's right now.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t