2001-05-16 | 12:03 a.m.

Like Madonna once said, 'it doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game.'

I was taught to play fair, and I wasn't fair in the recent past. And I thought I would find what I was actually looking for by acting like such a bitch. By ranting on my previous entry about men. Men who have hurt me. But men who have also taught me.

It's true, no one can make or break me as much as I thought they could. Not them. Not me. So I'm going to try to stop putting my heel marks on their hands as they try to push themselves back up from me pushing them down. If I look closely at their eyes a lot of them have hurt me but also have allowed me to place my hand in theirs as they pulled me back up to find what I had to. And I have to stop pushing people. Stop hurting them just because they hurt me. Whatever happened to turn the other way? To just keep going in the face of what I thought to be adversity? No. Instead I try to turn myself into this badass bitch. One who has no problems spitting in people's faces and looking them in the eye. There was no element of surprise in whatever actions or statements I have been doing. I'm not happy with the way I am, this doesn't mean I have the right to fuck everything else up.

And I hear what you and you and you and you along with others all say to me. But I have to stop now. I've heard enough. And I need to stop following everyone else's leads. I chase after their own hands like they are all holding candy and I am some poor sodding child that seeks it. Yes I know how you feel. Yes I understand you care and your looking out for me because I'm young. And yes I see all of this in everyone. But I cannot hear or see this anymore. I have to decide. I keep thinking an answer will pop up if everyone just talks enough. And as much as I hear how people care I also see that now its white noise. That whatever people see or feel doesn't mean its the truth. I have to make my own truths. That's the important thing here. And you know what? I think everyone knows this too.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t