2001-06-14 | 7:30 a.m.

Let's get this bitch over with. Line it up baby...

1. In this short brutal life, I've got to seize any opportunity I can to do what I got to do. Devil's knockin' on the door and I opened it up wide. Come and get me fucker.

2. In case anyone hasn't caught on by now, I'm going to do what I'm going to do no matter what anyone else says or does. So there are two choices: back off, or pitch in.

3. Men come down to one thing in my head now: 'blah, blah, woof, woof'. You're not humping me so back the fuck up.

4. Tragic that the ugly duck thinks she's losing her ugly feathers and becoming a swan. She's not though. She's just going girl interrupted on herself once again. It's important for me to know this now, rather than later down the line question why it never happened.

5. I never had a true friend before. I was scared that if I told what was up, it would all change. And that he/she/ or they would look at me like I was some kind of freak. Truthfully does it matter how they look at me? What they think of me? What they say? I've finally found something inside me. Your not measured by the people you associate with. Your measured by what you do.

6. If I'm measured by what I do or did then I'm fucked. Because right now I got nothing on that.

7. This morning I got an email from LK. He told me that the world wasn't big on romance anymore but that sometimes there are people in it that are. So I shouldn't let go of the fantasy just because other people can't hold onto it. That I'm one of the few and special. (All nice words mind you but frankly this is - BULLOCKS!)

8. People assume that it's a tough day to be alone - birthday's that is. But I'm not. I've got them. No one else can see them but I know they can see me. And I know, even in death, they have my back.

9. I will not cry anymore. Nothing is valid enough anymore for my tears. At least not anything I thought would or could be. So bring it on! If I can't scratch the itch then I'm going to fight it with all I've got. I might not be beautiful or pretty or smart or witty or whatever. But I'm fucking crazy enough to do what I have to do. And I won't let myself ever forget it.

10. I keep having these dreams. I look at my wrists and they split open and all these black bugs seep out along with my blood. I watch in fascination. I know there's not a damn thing I can do about it so instead I look. Gaping mouth as the blood pours out of me. and as I feel like my head is getting lighter I close my eyes and lay down and somehow I know a black spider is cobwebbing my face. Allowing me my own cocoon in a bug infested death.

11. The chains that set me free bind me now, making me trip and fall. And I don't raise my hands in any form of protection. Instead I watch the ground hitting me quick.

12. Postcards from the edge - Using cruelty to be kind in the right measure works.

13. Does it matter what anyone thinks or says? Because come to think of it last time I checked I was flyign solo on this ride. So if I want to do what I have to do then I will. I'm not asking for anythign from anybody. I'm playing by my own set of rules. And if this means that I can be alone then I will. It's not about pity or anything else. It's about the fact that I've processed too much for now. And maybe, just maybe, I want to know how I feel and not always just do what I feel.

14. "Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand/And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand"

15. I'm finally 25 years old today. Well LA-DE-FUCKING DA!



p r e v i o u s // n e x t