2001-08-27 | 10:19 p.m.

I got this message this morning. And even though she remains distant in my life she certainly knows when to come back and tell me stuff. This morning I was told this: "The old adage is true. We don't know what we've got until we lose it. But think about it this way, it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives."

And she's just so right. Because I've lost a few people along the way but at the same time that door closed a window opened. And yeah it sucks because I stared at that closed door for a while but I couldn't keep staring at it. I had to make my way and do what I had to do. I went on living. I went on smiling and laughing and doing stuff. And that door still remained closed. And just because I cared doesn't mean the person I cared for actually cared about me. And yes she's right when she tells me that I am still so willing to hand over my heart. But I think that's what makes me stronger. Letting someone look in and cause trouble. Because in that trouble I still learn. I still grow. I still experience. And yeah it may not all be good. But it can't all be bad either.

And yes there are moments in my life right now that I miss people so much that I just want to be able to pick up my phone and call them and chat and laugh and still be friends with them. But I can't do that. Because we've changed. For good or for bad. We've all changed. And while I try to make the best of everything now, I didn't do it then. And it's painful to see and know that I dragged it all down due to my stupid foolishness. But in doing that I also learned to break free from those behaviors. I also learned the type of person I'm willing to be friends with. The type of compassion and respect I want and demand from people. My happiness has developed and evolved. I have really shed my old skin. But I think, like my friend does, that some people can't shake those skins themselves. That yes I was inconsiderate but that while I understand my mistakes, for some it will take longer to forgive. Although now I'm not even sure if I want forgiveness. After all no one is my master. I guess I just want peace.

Either way I love the girl. She's a crazy cookie, but what a girl to have in my corner.

This is kinda shocking to wake up to. She was too young and too pretty. So sad. I'm probably a total bitch for saying this, well typing it, but you gotta admit that if 9 people are in a 6 passenger plane then there's something wrong with that picture. Rationally you'd take 2 trips. But then I'm sure they all thought it wasn't going to be a problem. Still it's very sad.

I picked up my new glasses and contacts today after work. I asked about my free trial pair of colored contact lenses. they didn't have them in blue but they did in green. I tried them on and was even able to bring them home. But I don't think I like the green one's. I think I'll try going somewhere else. Possibly near work and check out the other colors because green makes my eyes look weird. The blue one's might not be that bad though. Who knows, either way it's fun trying them out. If they aren't that expensive and don't look too fake it will be fun wearing them out and about once in a while.

I'm tired. And I should of called a friend to let her know I wouldn't be making it to her boyfriend's jazz thing. Except I suck because I was sleeping before and now I'm just too tired to do anything about it. Oh well, apologies tomorrow when I get in.

And I'm off...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t