2001-09-16 | 7:34 p.m.

An eye-witness account, if you can stand it. It was written by one of the moderators at the MightyBigTV. She was attending a meeting downtown when the planes struck the towers. It hurt to read it, and I cried. But it helped me, because it just fucking did, ok? I don't need a fucking excuse. It just helped me. And I don't know if it will help others but I'm putting it out there. So here it is.

I think I checked out today for a while. Seriously checked out. I went out to meet friends for coffee and suddenly I just didn't give a shit anymore. I was on 86th Street and started to walk home down on Lexington.

And I walked home crying. Tears gushing down my cheeks. Sobs that I had closed off inside me came out. I hiccuped quite a lot. 2 cops standing by Lennox hospital saw me and nodded their heads. Their eyes were wet also. I nodded my head back I think, and continued to walk home. And now I'm home and for the life of me shit just seems so irrelevant.

I know the various leaders on TV asked us all to put our best foot forward and try to continue back to normal. But there is never going to be a back to normal. We were sitting ducks without knowing it. Who the hell can tell us if we aren't still? I'm hurting and I don't know how to stop hurting. I want to feel secure and that has yet to happen. I go to bed praying that I won't be killed as I sleep. That's not fucking normal. I am overtly paranoid now and I have no fucking clue when that will dissipate and I will return to the happy girl I once was.

I just want the cold comfort. And I want to be able to not feel this wounded. It's like our city was raped and we were all there staring at her as it happened. No, fuck its worse than that. And I can't put it into words because those words don't exist.

My head hurts. My eyes hurt. My body aches. And I want this tension within me to stop. I want to let it all out, and I want NYC to live again. I know it will take long, but my heart begs for it to be now. For everyone waiting to find out what's happened to their loved one's. For the debris to be taken away. For the cloud to be lifted away from my skyline. For people to be alive. For a fucking miracle. But my world is a mess right now. And I have to try to plow on. Step by step. Making sure that every day I re-build. I have to try and not check out again like today. Because it was seriously not needed and it won't get me anywhere. I have to get up and go. Live every day to the fullest. Not let these bastards get to me. Because I will not let them win. They have no power to do so. And they will pay. I don't know how or when, but they will pay. And karma is a bitch, and whatever comes around will go around and Osama bin Laden is fucking screwed. In more ways than one.



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