2001-09-18 | 10:22 p.m.

I was going to write about how I spent the whole day on autopilot. How I felt like I was still in a trance and while my mind wanted to be back to normal my heart wouldn't let me.

But I'm not. I'm not because I came to certain conclusions. While I could write about my pain right now, how it just hurts, I'm not. At least not anymore. I was feeling guilty about living or trying to move on. About my friends death. About my colleagues who are still missing. But I don't think I can live in the world of what ifs anymore. It's too damn hard. I have been tested in more ways than one with this horrible incident. And I am not prepared to forget what so ever. I don't think I will ever be able to forget even if I wanted to. What I do want is to move on though. I know I need to move on. And I know this need is purely selfish, but I also know that my friends wouldn't want me this sad either. They liked me happy. They liked me smiling and giggling and making jokes. And yes I still need to find that point from where I can go to feel better. And yes, for now I am still lost, trying to patch myself up when my skin is ripping to shreds. But I realize I need to compose myself. Find my inner strength and move from there. Because it's time. It's time to be the strong one and not the fish out of water. It's time to become stronger and make sure that every day I live, and live to the fullest. Because as we've all seen life can disappear in minutes.

And so I am going to close my eyes tonight and pray one last time. Pray for the miracle to occur in the future to come for those who are still missing, to be returned alive. Pray for the peace of mind for those loved ones, who found their dead. Pray to return back to a place where I felt safe enough to close my eyes at night and sleep and not be terrified of not being alive to wake up the next morning. I will not feel like I am a target anymore. I don't look like a duck, or walk like a duck, or quack like a duck. I'm not a sitting duck. I will live and I will be just as fierce as I once was, and no terrorist bastard will take that away from me.

I am doing this for me. But I'm also doing this for my friends who are gone. Life doesn't stop unless you want it to. And I'm not going to let someone step in and take my spirit away from me. I survived and I wish to god my friends did. But I need to make sure that I live just as hard as they used to now. And I will. So on this day I make a promise to myself and make sure that I won't forget, but I will live.

And if you have a sec check on the last entry. There were 2 today. The first one was sent to me in an email and god it's got some power to it.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t