2001-10-18 | 9:00 p.m.

Not much to report. Day's have been passing by and I'm still laid off and still trying to find a job. Work is a little easier because let's face it, I'm half assing it big time. I think I deserve it. OK so I'm selfish I don't really deserve it but I'm tired and not getting another paycheck after this one so fuck it. Besides what is the owner going to do? Lay me off? He's already done that! So whatever. I'll sucker it up a little more because bosslady is cool and she needs help. But apart from that mama's on a roller coaster and she's going to enjoy herself.

Partially alone at home tonight. Brother just got back from wherever he was. Parental units out to a cocktail party. It almost feels like I'm alone because he's in his room and I'm in mine. We'll probably only come out when the food we delivered comes to our door. It's all good though, we both have a plethora of crap to do before tomorrow morning.

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. About going home to Rio. About being around family. About what I want to do in life. I'm seriously thinking of going home just because I feel that maybe I need more family around me. I need more of my culture around me. Of course this might backfire because I can't stay too long in Brazil either because everything eventually starts to annoy me.

Which goes to show you how fucked up it is because shouldn't you feel at home when your family is around? And it's not my family per se, it's more like the culture. It gets to be too much. It's like I want to be more than that. And yes whenever I think inside my head I don't really have a "mother tongue" because hi! I think in English, French, Portuguese, and Italian so it's not like I can really feel comfortable talking in Portuguese forever.

Wait...I don't know where I'm going with this. I just don't know where I'm supposed to be going with it. And yeah now is not really the time to make life altering decisions. It's just that my heart isn't in things anymore. I need to feel me inside of me. And I don't know if that makes sense. I do know that's how I feel. As usual it's a mess no matter what.

I'm so very glad that I'm going to drinks with co-workers tomorrow. More and more I'm finding that I enjoy to have a drink with friends. to share in the camaraderie that there is when you're sitting around a table with people that you like to share space with. That make you smile and laugh. It'll be nice and definitely needed.

I'm cutting it here, nothing else to say.

Later...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t