2001-10-28 | 1:39 p.m.

Life is not meant to be a solitary journey. While each individual's path is defined by free will and a measure of faith, so is it fraught with choices, with obstacles that shape and determine a future. Your future. My future.

And what if the signs we encounter in life are distorted, maybe even deceptive - and we need someone else to help us validate them? Seriously, what if that other person is so necessary to the balance that we're hampered in our ability to truly understand the meaning behind certain events in our lives until that special connection is made? Then I guess the challenge of it all is to find or choose that other person. That one. The special one. I haven't found him yet. I know someday I will.

I've been on this path from which, there is no detour or turning aside. The road has been dark and I've found myself inexplicably alone. And now I'm in the drivers seat of a car that is hurtling towards an uncertain future. And frankly I have no clue anymore. I am just trying to get my footing where and when I can. It's difficult, especially since the car keeps on moving. Doesn't stop. Doesn't let me get out and look around. But maybe its better that way. Maybe not knowing is better than knowing.

Everyone looks the same when you go out at night here in NYC. Has anyone noticed that? I don't see any personal style or flair what so ever. Clones of clones, of clones. It's sad. In a city that's supposed to be so rich with culture and versatility everyone seems to be a rat in the rat race. I suppose this is probably why I don't bother that much at all lately. Why I go out in my flat shoes or sneakers. Because there is no point. There's no use getting all dolled up when everyone adheres to rules that are so boring my grandmother would yawn at them.

Last night I went out with N & M for drinks on the upper east side. We did our usual bar hop to certain establishments. Except this time we had someone new tag along. Someone I had met. He's a nice guy. The type of guy I can see myself being friends with. But I think that's all. No oomph to any of it. Just he was a nice guy. One of the good one's that you should scoop up for fear of anyone else doing so. Still there was no spark there. And I can't fault him or myself for that. Such is life such is mango after all.

Today I'm supposed to go with N to Ricky's so we can check out Halloween stuff. I think it's a no go though. She hasn't called yet and I'm feeling sluggish. I might just wait till tomorrow. And right now I don't think I want to spend money on a costume or even go. I mean the party will be free which is wonderful. But the drinks are going to cost an arm and a leg and it will be a crazy night and there's stuff up in the air. I don't know yet. True I've always overdone Halloween because it's such a fun night but I'm not sure if I want to celebrate it this year. I'm not sure if my heart is in it. So I'll see.

But for now I'm going to go back to bed and just relax. Enjoy a lazy Sunday and think of nothing but what I can watch on TV and maybe what to eat for lunch.

Later...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t