2001-10-31 | 12:29 p.m.

Not having a job right now reminds me of how I really am. I could always hide behind a work schedule without anyone noticing me. Cracking jokes making sure that all is fine in Joana land. But fuck that. Guess what? No it's not.

And it's not like I'm twiddling my thumbs and hoping for something. Oh no, everyday I wake up and send copious amounts of resumes out. Expecting something in return. Ever day is a different story I tell myself. Hoping that I'll get something, anything. Nothing yet, even though I want something NOW. I can't stay like this. Floating. Hoping, and yet still floating.

And I hate to be this selfish and shallow but I hate my friends for having jobs. I hate the fact that the majority of them are emailing me from their jobs. I hate the fact that I'm not stuck in a cubicle or room complaining as well. I hate the fact I don't have money coming in every 2 weeks on a regular beat. I hate that everyday I hope for something that probably won't come for a good 2 or 3 months. It's like I'm begging to closed doors that are bolted shut and won't be opened up till the fat lady sings.

And what the hell does that rapper mean when he sings, "shizzel my nizzel?" Does he actually realize that some of us find his work entertaining but are looking at him like he's lost it now? Babytalk, hooked on phonics, smoked too much weed...what the hell is he talking about?

Called the bank today, trying to know for certain how much cash was in my balance. Nearly fell off my bed when I found out I couldn't probably even buy a piece of gum if I wanted to. Screw tonight. Looks like I'll be at home, in bed and festering. Of course it doesn't matter now, I've got a cold and feel like ass and maybe staying home tonight might save my life being that we are all being warned we might be under attack again. And that ticks me off too because if we are why let us know? I mean it's not like we can do anything anyways. And yes it's good to know but only if you have concrete proof. If you don't then don't throw it out there. Hoaxes fly all over the place. Ex bosslady actually called me to tell me the same hoax I listened to on TV yesterday. It's like, c'mon now!

It looks like I still am pissy so I'll be stopping now.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t