2001-11-02 | 2:17 p.m.

I was doing my nails yesterday. Nothing exciting really since it's a task I usually do at least once every week. The radio was on to whatever channel was picking up better reception-wise and I really wasn't paying attention. Until this song came on. This song I haven't heard in a long time. One I associate with dead friends. The one's who died in the WTC disaster. And for the first time since it happened I cried. I literally dropped everything and cried.

(And I am so happy I was alone at home). Because while I completely broke down, I wouldn't want anyone else to see that happening to me. Selfish as that may seem but I don't care.

I cried. I really cried. And the place where I thought my heart was growing stronger was just bleeding. I had bandaged it all up that I forgot to see that before bandaging the wound I needed to heal it. I needed to mend my broken heart. And I guess the tears that streamed down my cheeks was some sort of closure. Or mending. I don't know what to call them. I just knew that it hurt. It hurt to hear lyrics that were often sung in a slur at a bar. It hurt knowing that I wouldn't be singing along with them. It just hurts. There are no other words that can be used. It just fucking hurts.

Today I think what happened yesterday was a good thing. It was something that needed to have happened. I hadn't really cried what so ever and while it still hurts I think now I'll be able to try to heal.

Yesterday, as promised to my mother, I went to her work's cocktail party. I know all she wanted to do was show me off. Of course I didn't feel like going but I had promised her so off I went.

Thankfully it was open bar and the g&t's I managed to drink made the whole night smoother for me. My mother works at an art gallery so after the show finished the owner of the gallery took everyone that works there to dinner with the artist. I was hoping to get out of there before I got corralled into that situation but I guess I didn't get out of there fast enough because I ended up going.

Of course we have to end up at Opia which isn't my type of spot what so ever. It's funny how there were tons of people waiting outside in line and we breezed in. How everyone wants to get into a place that is not good what so ever. Everyone my mom works with were almost squealing with excitement since they loved the place. I didn't. Bad food, bad wine. Too pretentious and it really has nothing to offer. I think their night turned into a joyfest when Denise Rich sat infront of us with her party crew, and 2 Victoria Secret models sat across from us. They all started to gossip and it was strange and funny but mostly ridiculous. I have no clue how my mother can work with them because they are odd ducks.

Today I hope to do nothing. I was in bed for the most part of the early morning. Sent out resumes for the past hour which so far has turned out pointless since no one's called back. And now I plan on doing nothing more than going to the gym later on. Probably watching some TV in between. Today's ME day. I feel like I've had quite enough bottled up inside of me so I need time to deal with stuff. And dealing with anyone else right now is not happening. I don't have the patience or the energy to do so. So chow mien and see you sooner or later D-land.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t