2002-01-23 | 7:34 p.m.

I've had a rough couple of days.

My computer died on me only to be rebuilt again to find everything on it gone. Wiped away to a clean slate that I cannot comprehend. Windows XP is torturous compared to what I had before. I can't do a damn thing with it although I'm sure eventually I will.

I cleaned up all of my room. 10 large black trash can bags are piled up next to my front door. Filled to the brims they each contain clothes, shoes, and bags that I don't need and yet are in pretty much great condition. Hopefully they will all make someone happy when I deliver them to the homeless shelter tomorrow.

I've been crying a lot these past few days. I feel very scattered and angry. I don't wear confusion & frustration very well. I've been angry at everything and anyone. I've been holed up in my room like some sort of prisoner of war and I don't care. Let the world pass me by, I don't have anything to offer it for the time being. Too much darkness within me. Too much noise. I can barely think let alone speak so someone can comprehend what I may have to say. I feel hollowed out and I just can't deal with bullshit anymore. Because it's all really about bullshit. And I've lost my filter for it somewhere in this crazy city. I need to find my balance once again. Because right now I've lost it. And I'm not right. I'm not ok, and if you don't like it then you can just kiss my ass because I really don't care what you think. I care what I think right now. And what I think is just noise. Too much noise.

No matter how hard I try lately I seem to end up bruised on the inside. I keep losing myself in opportunities that aren't there and every time I fall I cry. And while it was ok before, while I could deal with it then I just can't seem to do it now. I think all my good stuff is running out of me. I keep losing it and every time I turn around I can't seem to grasp it. It's like sand, it keeps flowing through my fingers. I can't rest. I don't have any control and I just can't deal with that. I need it back but where to look for it when it seems like millions of people here in NYC are doing the same thing?!

I'm supposed to go drunk bowling this Friday. If I have enough cash I'll go. The heart isn't in it but by then I might need to get out of my house. If not I think the family will begin to notice I'm not all there.

I went up to my roof last night in the middle of the night. Everyone in the house was asleep and I walked out the door with my hoodie on and flip flops. When I got to the rooftop I looked up. I held onto myself because it was fucking cold. And I looked to the sky. And you know what? You can't see a damn star in this city. They are hidden by whatever filter this city spreads out into its sky. You can't even see a fucking star - that's just not right.

Lifting up my head to see darkness. How can anyone want to reach the stars in this city when you can't even see them?



p r e v i o u s // n e x t