2002-02-19 | 7:32 p.m.

Sometimes I just don't know what I want for myself. I think that I think too much. I don't feel as much as I should, but I definitely know that I think too much.

Standing outside of my work building today I watched as the city buzzed. It's got so much life that a lot of people don't get. Don't realize or acknowledge. It's in the way people move, its in the way you feel as if the whole damn city is breathing - no - pulsating. And I wonder if I can ever turn my back at it. I wonder if I can step away and let it all go. I've been here now close to 8 years. 2 years shy from my stay in London. And I wonder, had I the chance would I leave? Would I slip away like a forlorn lover never to return?

One might question me why I think such things? The truth of the matter is that I am always willing to change, to adapt, to move to a new location. I've done it since I was a baby. And yes I have this wonderful new job. But its a job, not my life. If that makes any sense. I know so many people because of this city. Friends, aquaintencences, drinking buddies. People from college that I am still close to simply because I've known them through those 3 years here. People from diaryland who introduced me to certain different aspects of life. So many people. And I wonder, could I leave them all behind and move forward? And the truth dear diary, the truth is that I think I could. After all, I've done it before who's to say I can't do it again?

I guess that's my little secret. That I refuse to give myself out like that. Yes I know all these people, but they are just people. I have no friends that I've known since grade school. I have no drinking buddies all through my college years. I transferred from one college to another. Deciding LA had nothing to offer me that NYC couldn't give.

Instead I choose to float like this. Float because you never know where the tide will wash you in. And while I yearned for that growing up moving every few years. Yearned for the same school for the 12 years of education. Yearned for the same people day in and day out, well I realize how boring that is. I don't need the familiarity that knowing people for so many years brings. I don't need the best friends penchant broken in two and worn on 2 different necks while growing up. I yearned for it before but I've realized I never needed it. The friends I have, the true ones, I can count on one hand. My family, in all its Fellini form, has been here for me no matter what. And while this used to anger me before, now I realize how fucking lucky I am to have a family supporting me no matter what.

I used to have such a childish mentality. And now, now I've let that all go. You make yourself, not the friends around you. I don't know if that makes any sense, but looking around today on the busy NYC times square block I realized that with all its hustle & bustle NYC is nothing more than a bunch of people stuck together on an island. Some you befriend for periods of time. Some you see once in a blue moon. Some pass you right by. This city has a life to it, but sometimes it may not be your life.

I don't know if I should laugh or cry about this. Maybe he would kill Meg in the movie? Ahh yes...now that would be dreamy.

Later...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t