2002-02-20 | 10:17 p.m.

I'm going to tell you another little secret. Hush now. I used to be in this strange state of depression before dear diary. I would walk around sulking to myself, and hoping for things to end because it all seemed so meaningless. I think the realization finally set in last year. That for me to not be depressed, I had to choose to want to let go of it. I had kept it so close by to me before, simply because it was the only consistency I really had. I had grabbed a hold of it and wished for a release but I never once stopped to think that for me to have that said release I would need to unclasp my fingers from it. I would need to let it all go. Which is what I did. Which is probably why I feel like I can write about it on here now. I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems that life does go on no matter what and that it will usually always be better.

And sure I have bad days now, but just like everyone else. I just don't choose to retreat back to the depression I once had. It's too easy to always sulk. It's not easy to get up and fight the good fight. I heard that once from F's lips as she reprimanded me on one of our outings together. And I used to hate hearing her say that. I used to wish she would just shut up about it because how could she possibly feel what I was feeling? What I realize now is that she was trying to attempt a good swift kick in my pants metaphorically. I couldn't see that before. I love her even more because of it now.

Life's funny that way, you focus so much on what you think is important that you forget what really is. I had such drama before with the job hunt, all that stress. And now, now I know that making a living is not the same thing as making my life. It all just clicks into place so suddenly. You realize what it all really means in the bigger picture.

Anyways...

If you want a laugh go over here and listen to the message. I thought it was very funny.

So I'm going to stick to a money plan. Not that I don't have one already. But I've decided to save up for some cool things too. Obviously I'm paying the 2 bills now. One of them will actually be done with for good in another 6 payments and a haf which if you ask me is one of the sweetest things I've heard in a while. The other, well the other will take a bit longer to cancel out - but hey I'm working on it. So I'm paying those off and at the same time trying to save up for my trip to LA and the black bag I've been drooling over ever since I was jobless. While the bag is a frivolous purchase I don't really care. It's something that I've been wanting for so long and now that I started a new job I can actually attempt to buy it. So yey! Happy me.

Moving on...

I watched this Mardi Gras thing on MTV and it really proved to me how much everyone thinks it's like carnival but it cannot compare what so ever. Not to say that it's not fun - I'm sure it is, but that's just like saying chocolate pudding is like a fine chocolate mousse - yep I don't think so. To taste carnival in Brasil, check this out. It offers a great view. While writing about New Orleans I'm also hoping Satyr is getting better now. Not being able to breathe must be one of the most horrendous feelings. I also hope that Slutboy is well also because I'm sure he got quite a scare too. Honestly I'm sending bucketloads of good wishes down south for them both. AND YOU BETTER TOO!

I added someone new to my word candy as well, she's half Brazilian and a good read so go check her out.

That's it for tonight.

Later...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t