2002-05-20 | 11:31 p.m.

"Cause I've got faith of the heart. I'm going where my heart will take me. I've got faith to believe, I can do anything. I've got strength of the soul. And no one's gonna bend or break me. I can reach any star. I've got faith, faith of the heart." - Diane Warren

I forgot something. I keep telling myself what I can't do. What I can't reach for. It's like I'm making my own obstacles in life instead of watching out for the ones that will naturally occur. I was giving myself too many limits in the past up to the present and not enough room to breathe. And I keep forgetting to just let go, and that's so freaking important.

I have faith in me. I believe I'm stronger than who I thought I was. My faith belongs inside of me. My soul and heart and everything else within me, will carry me through whatever obstacles life may throw my way. And I'm sure there will be more to come. But most importantly in all of this is that I can actually get through them without thinking I am going to break down at every corner. I won�t start crying on the inside and sulking to my corner. Life is meant to be lived. I won�t keep myself in the dark anymore. I will give into my emotions, and I will learn to let things go. To breathe in deep and let it go. I won�t hold things back but I will always learn not to bear grudges because they are unimportant in the grand scheme of life.

I watched the series finale of the X Files Sunday night and I bawled as I thought I would. I can�t help myself. I already admit I am an X File dork and I don�t care. It brought me joy and that�s all that matters. Getting a chance to see David Duchovny come back along with the rest of the cast to bring some closure to some aspects of the show was amazing. Of course they left some things unanswered because had they answered everything it wouldn�t have been the show I�ve loved for the past 9 seasons. It�s ok though, feeds into the movies that will form out of the show. And I�ll become one of those dorks that can�t wait to check out the movie much like the dork procession who is still probably watching Star Wars now. I don�t care though, if it brings you joy and isn�t harming anyone else and you who should care? So yeah, X Files on Sunday was as usual the bombdotcom.

Today I went to the doctors and had a general check up. I was told I have to slim down because I�m obese. Duh!! It�s ok though because this time around I am actually going to try to go on a diet and stick to it. I have to go back to the doc in 2 weeks and by then I have to have lost at least half a pound. Which is nothing in the bigger picture but which I�m sure seems hard in the beginning as most things are. It�ll be ok. Plus in the end I�ll be healthier and that�s what counts. What I did find out though, thanks to this doc�s visit and last week�s gyno visit was that for some problems I am having now I may have a simple cure in the form of certain pills. If that�s the case then this makes me very happy, and in less pain so it�s good times ahead hopefully.

So yeah, things are happening and I am getting over the fact at how things in life occur, and at how I can let them affect me. I have grown to understand that I cannot try to explain what is unexplained. I am looking into my own heart and realizing that I am blessed with what I have and not with what I want to try so desperately to seek. I am not holding onto shame and guilt anymore because I�ve seen the fear it creates. The imbalance. It made me forget who I was. And I won�t anymore. I�m going to stop being on the self-destructive path I was on before. I�ve realized that everything happens for a reason if you just let it happen. And I will, let it happen. Accidents in life or near accidents only mean one thing to me now. I need to always remember to keep my mind open to the lessons my life gives. Because in the end I can reach any star.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t