2002-05-18 | 10:46 a.m.

I want to be totally fearless. I'm not ashamed to say that I speak my mind, which gets me into a hella lot of trouble sometimes. But at least I'm honest you know? There's so much bullshit in this city that I think people forget who they are. I think I forget who I am sometimes. It's like this fog that envelops me. I'm surrounded by people who really are horrible. That will use and abuse the shit out of each other to get what they want. I've been on the receiving end of many of those fuckwits. And yet no matter how much pain and heartache has been thrown at me, I somehow have managed to still remain a loving person. Granted I can be bitter and cynical but I'd like to think that I'm not always that person. Hell I know I'm not.

I do know that this has to end. This stupid artificial crap. I don't care who you wear. I don't care what you do. I only care what type of person you are on the inside. I'm tired of giving myself away to "friends" only to realize how selfish they are. I'm all for making yourself happy. I'm not all about stepping over people to make you feel better. Screw that shit because it's fucked up.

This year I will be turning 26 in June. Every year I always try and plan out this big birthday party, trying to gather all these so called friends together so that they can be happy and have drinks and celebrate in what superficial happiness I am trying to create. While I desperately want to try to do that again I know I can't. Wanna know why? Because the friends I have or had either "moved on", turned wiggy psycho on me, or are too much into themselves to notice my frikken birthday. And I shouldn't have to drag anyone together for my fucking birthday. I shouldn't. And no, this is not one giant pity party for me. I'm just fed up with all that crap. I think my parents raised me wrong. Growing up I always had big parties with all my so called friends. I made it my day. Everyone knew that. And it wasn't in that rich spoilt little girl kinda way. It was more like this is your special day and lets celebrate how special you really are. But now, now it's disappointing because life isn't like that. No one wants to appreciate who the fuck you are unless you can get them something. Everyone wants something from you in one way or another.

So it looks as if I am just not going to do a damn thing for my birthday which really sucks. Because I don't have anything planned, and no one that I know has probably any knowledge that it is my birthday too, which sucks the big one. I have to promise myself to do something good for myself that day. Maybe do some shopping or go watch a good movie. Most likely it will be alone but you know everyone in this stupid city is alone. We're all just smooshed together into buildings. Still doesn't mean we're not alone.

I went to see About a Boy with K on Friday. I really liked it. I suggest checking it out because it's been a while since I've actually left the movie theatre feeling good about spending the $10 to see the movie I picked. The pacing for the whole film was wonderful and everything just fit in so nicely together that I wouldn't mind seeing it again at all. I probably will because my mum wants to watch it so I'll probably check it out with her too.

It's raining out now. I have errands to run but I doubt I'll do them this weekend. I have nothing planned but staying in bed and relaxing. Watching the telly and basically vegetating till Monday. From where I sit here now that just sounds smashing. Nothing to do and not wanting to do a damn thing makes up for a good weekend. Especially one that looks like it will be rained out for all weekend.

All right I'm done. Later...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t