2002-09-11 | 1:53 p.m.

A year has gone by. A whole year.

I think God or whatever higher deity is believed amongst people, has ceased to exist. Or at least stopped listening to the anguished cries of people. I heard the cries today. I stood still and looked forward. Bit the inside of my mouth and told myself I wasn't going to cry. My eyes filled with unshed tears, I still didn't cry. I want to be my own tower of strength. I fear that I will shatter eventually. I'm so intent in going through the motions, allowing for everyone's grief but my own. My own isn't important. I was just a friend. I was not a lover, a fianc�, a partner, or a child of the deceased. I was just a friend. The need to cry or scream like a mad woman shouldn't be within me. I was just a friend after all.

I always say that everything is fine. But its not true anymore. It's all about going through the motions, laughing at anything rather than crying. I wonder how far I will go till I reach my breaking point. I stare up at my ceiling every night and pretend that it will all be ok eventually. It won't. There's no such thing anymore. Life will fall about and I will stare at it as if it's the real world and I will pretend I'll know how to pick up the pieces and move on. I push myself as far as I can go everyday so that when I return home and lay in bed I hope to sleep instead of staring up at my ceiling and thinking. It hasn't worked yet. It's all about inertia. You know how a body that's in motion tends to stay in motion unless acted on by an outside force? Well inertia is helping me mask the pain I feel. I keep on moving and I won't notice the pain. I keep on talking and laughing and being silly. Eventually I will create a defense system strong enough to protect me from the raw emotions coursing through my body now. But for now the jaw remains clenched and I keep on moving.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t