2003-06-02 | 2:39 a.m.

I feel as if there is something internally wrong with me. I keep crying every time I don't want to be. I keep trying to patch myself up knowing full well that inside I feel completely broken. It's not just the job. I will eventually get a job. It's not just the money that I need to pay off a stupid debt I created in college when I thought credit cards were free money. It's the feeling within me that I am lost and I have absolutely no idea how to get back to good at all anymore.

A friend of mine asked me today if I was excited that my birthday was coming up. In between trying to hide my tears I said no. Why would I be excited? I'm another year older and what have I accomplished? Who have I become? Nothing. No one. I see people around me attaining their dream jobs, making money, getting engaged, getting married. I wonder where will my life end up? Who will I become? I have no roots what so ever. I can easily say New York is my home just as Rio de Janeiro or London is. I have no roots. I'm a nomad since I've been born. I was blessed with certain opportunities growing up but now I realize that those same opportunities bite me in the ass as well. I need roots. I need to know that I am someone. That the life I lead doesn't feel pointless. Because right now it does.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t