2000-03-18 | 15:20:10

I always live for some goal in the future and I�m always running towards it. But I think I�ve finally realized that I need to stop and look around. To pause at these exact moments because there will never be a time again that they will happen. That to always run means that I tend to look at everything moving in a haze. And that just shouldn�t be done. And it�s not like I�ve not been wanting to run as of late, because I have. It�s just that there are some things that I feel that are tying me down this time. And I don�t mind that they are. In fact I quite enjoy it. Because it finally means that someone other than me actually cares what the hell I�m doing with myself. Does that make any sense?

I never quite realized how much he�s intricate. I think I took him for granted in a lot of ways. He�s there and I use him as my support in so many moments of my life yet he still remains the biggest mystery to me. It�s not like I don�t want to know more about him. I do. It�s just that sometimes I think that if I know more I�ll end up losing myself to him. I wish that I could tell him how captivating I find him to be. How his passion for things intimidates me, how his brilliance intoxicates me. But if I say anything I will surely lose my breath and I can�t have that. I fear that. I don�t want him to realize that he has become a big part of my life. That I question my motives and then go to him so he can question them for me. That I use him as a filter for everything. And it doesn�t seem wrong at all. Because he�s so willing to help me out. He�s there with a smile and a joke and he can so easily slay my dragons with his light. It�s embarrassing to admit and yet it�s the truth. So how could this be anything but something good? Except then why does it feel like I should hide it all away from him? That if I do breathe it out he will look at me with a glare in his eyes and walk away. If something is so good, can it be wrong?

I wanted to find some common ground in my thoughts. I wanted to reiterate that common ground on here but it�s highly unlikely that will happen soon. I have way too many levels of cobwebs to sort through before I find the common ground I am trying to achieve. But that�s fine by me, because maybe this is why I�m here, typing these words and expressing words I would never say aloud.

Yesterday was Saint Patrick�s day. I�m not Irish and I wasn�t planning on drinking at all. But with a flick of the wrist, I had a foam green moustache from the beer I was sipping and I think my eyes twinkled at the old Irish songs I heard play on the sound system at the bar. It was an interesting night all in all, that is if you subtract the fact that I walked through green puke without even noticing it to get back home. But still, an interesting night.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t