2000-04-05 | 00:12:46

Oh what a fucked up day I had today!

Instead of waking up early and going to class and then heading off to work I lay in bed all day. And no, it's not that I was just lazy and decided to fuck everything and stay home and loll around in bed. Actually quite the opposite. I was up and ready and then the wave of nausea hit me. I climbed back into bed, switched off all the lights - turned down the blinds and tried to willingly allow my migraine to disappear.

No such luck!

I was stuck in bed up until a few hours ago when I crawled out of it for a bowl of soup to eat. And still the throbbing pain in my head continued. I only hope that I get some sleep tonight so that I can wake up and actually go to school tomorrow and do my other stuff. I also feel like a horse's ass because I missed A's birthday. Oh well...I'm sure there will be some sort of festivity this weekend. and hopefully if I don't feel like ass I will make up during the weekend.

I just know that I should be more consumed with school right now. It seems as if the days are whizzing by and I am not doing everything that I possibly can. To top it all off I have a presentation next week and I know I have to be on tip top shape or else I will be screwed. No one gets over the obstacle that is this teacher. I always feel like I need to get a sedative after walking out those doors. No one should apply such pressure on others - it's simply not that healthy to begin with. Plus I am not paying a teacher to ream into me, I am to actually teach me. But maybe some people were just not meant to be teachers. It's hard either way if you really think about it.

On another note. I know I shouldn't be afraid of this person. After all this is my past walking back into my present. It's just that, it's weird. Things have changed now. I feel more confident now than I have ever been and I don't want anyone to trample all over me anymore. So how can I be feeling all these things and instead of showing them to people I know care, I just...well...I just bury them deep. Hoping that no one will scratch the surface. I thought I was making progress with certain issues - but apparently I am still stuck in the same dance steps when these same issues arise once again. Life is so screwed up that way.

I am hoping to breathe in deep and then clear the air around me. I sure as hell know that I can't do this alone anymore. So I think I am going to seek out the help of others. I can't become that stressed again. I know it. He derailed me in so many ways that I simply cannot allow his train to come around again. Besides he bugs me now - even though I love him. He bugs the hell out of me. And to be rational I have no choice but to move on from him and from his situation. I can't deny that at all. I feel safer when he's not around. I feel better. And I am not going to go back on the promises I made to myself. He can go for all I care.

There comes a time when something's hit you in the face. This is definitely one of those times.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t