2000-05-03 | 05:48:52

Why do I even assume I know what the fuck I'm doing in life? It would be nice to get a book of instructions that go along with my sweet little fucked up life, but no...that would be too easy, and nothing comes easy for me.

I think I'm slowly going mad. No really, it's not amusing - stop laughing. It's either immense stress or I'm like the little boy in the 6th Sense movie and I see dead people. Well actually just one dead person. But still it's freaky and odd and yet comforting at the same time.

Crazy - much?!

The other day I was sitting outside of school and I swear I had this huge conversation with him, and he's not alive people! But he was there and I felt his eyes on me and I started crying and even though the tears smudged my line of sight I still saw him and he smiled and he said that everything was going to be allright. And I told him I missed him and that I wish he was here right now and he told me that I should never forget how dear to his heart I was and still am. Which as I look back now only brought on another flood of tears.

I must be loseing it. Really. He's been dead for almost over 2 years now. Except now he's walking around in my head and I keep seeing him when I'm not expecting to. Babydoll say's it's stress. I say it's love that was never meant to be torn apart and yet it is. What's really troublesome is that his vision comforts me. I shouldn't feel this at all. I should learn how to let him go. But I can't. He's going to be inside of me no matter how many people tell me to stop him from doing so. And how could he not be?

I've finished these huge 2 papers tonight. Now all I have to do is a few more presentations and I believe 2 or 3 other papers and my final prints for photography and then be done with the homework part and just have the 2 tests to do for finals. And after that Tuesday I will be smiling and walking up to the water near work and buying myself a sparkler and shareing it with the memories locked up in my heart. On that day I will deserve that sparkler. And I'll light it thinking how he used to light 2 together and say my name with them over and over again in the dark night.

I miss him. I really do. And I wish it didn't hurt as much as it still does, but then again I doubt the hurt will ever subside.

I graduate June 6th. And it feels so fucking weird. I don't know if I should be happy or scared. I do know that when this fog over my head lifts, then I'll be free - well at least from school.

But how pathetic is this? I only get 4 tickets. Which is fine and dandy if it was just my mom and dad and brother. But apparently my aunt and uncle are coming. don't get me wrong I'm exhillarated that they are coming - I want them too. But someone is either going to have to stay home that night and later meet us up for dinner or I'm going to have to steal someone else's tickets. It's so ridiculous that we only get 4 tickets. BOGUS! But whatever...I still have way too much school work to end before then so I'm not going to let that bother me for the moment.

And it's 5 AM again. Why am I awake??? God someone just shoot me! I have to be up soon since a friend is coming over so I can take photo's of her for my photography class. And yet I'm still fucking up and typing away at my computer. I swear I never learn.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t