2000-05-06 | 04:45:03

Joey should be in bed, but she's not.

I think it's the people dancing around inside my head. But I may be wrong - that's been known to happen more than once so I'm just going to go with the flow.

I can't seem to sleep tonight. I really want to. I actually laid in bed but tossed and turned instead. The problem? I have way too much shit running around in my head for me to actually lay down and not think. It's as if I always keep running. I'm a motor that never stops. Babydoll tells me that if I don't I'll burn up. Which I guess is true, but I'm not going to think about that now. The more I hide it the farther it goes under my skin.

I had a nice little happy hour moment tonight after work. I say happy hour even though it wasn't the appropriate time for happy hour, but whatever, it was happy anyways. 2 drinks is definitely what I needed after the tedious day at work I had today. It's funny, I love where I work. I really do, I mean it just seems second nature for me to go there now, and yet I think that there are days that if I don't leave I'll be doomed. I don't want to stay there for 3 or 4 years like some people who have been there. It's a good job - don't get me wrong, but it's frightful to think that maybe 3 years down the line I'll still be there. By then I want to be doing something...achieving some sort of goal I want to accomplish. Hopefully...

I have to write a paper this weekend. That and finish reading a play. Oh and yes develop my negatives and then make prints of them. Then hopefully I can still myself a bit in the homework department. Well actually that's not true. I still need to make notes of the finals I will be taking. But after I take them, hoo boy, I'll be happy because it will all be over. I'll be done. I'll have graduated and made my parents proud. And after all that's what matters most - making them proud. Fuck what I want in life.

You know what's funny? When I was a kid I used to think my theme song was "Don't Rain on My Parade", but now a days I don't even see that girl anymore. It's like she got lost long ago. Now a days my theme song is "Make me stay" and that just seems like such a desperate song. Making someone you love make you stay. Because if they don't then you'll need to leave. You'll just have to. E was right, I am fucking Amaya. Except I want to refuse the fact that I could be that much of a whiney bitch.

My brasilian friend is coming on the 22nd to go see a play with me, for school that is. She told me she'll take me out to dinner after. So cute. It should be good, by then I think I'll be done with everything and all I will have to await is the graduation ceremony and well, work as usual. So by then I can be mellow yellow and not be all drama queen with her. Not that she'll mind one way or another, she loves me for me, she's said it before and she'll say it again no matter how many times I need to hear it. I know - she told me.

*neener neener*

But let me stop my childish Amaya ways and go back to bed so I can toss and turn.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t