2000-05-29 | 06:25:01

I shouldn't find meaning in lyrics. It never works out. And yet why oh why do certain songs read my mind so well? I hate them for being so pointless and trashy and poignant at the same time. I hate it that my hips sway to such silly beats as my mouth loops into an imitation of said song.

I swear I will not go turn the lights in my bedroom on anymore. The flicker of my computer screen is enough light for me.

You know what's sad? What's sad is that today as I packaged the tapes that I so carefully made I realized I was doing it for a person I don't know anymore. And instead of stopping in the middle of my manuvers I still continued. Because I didn't want to stop. I didn't want to acknowledge that fact. I wanted to pretend that maybe it was just my emotion or paranoia. That it wasn't the proof slapping at my face.

Yes I know I'm pathetic. Do I really want to let people just walk over me or will I do as glamourpuss say's I should. Stand up straight and be bold with my words and actions. If I'm not curiously strong now, when will I ever be?

I looked at the card he gave me today. And I guess I didn't want to start wigging out so what I did was place it back where I keep it and I took a walk. I ended up looking at make up and then clothes for yuppie scum. I felt like a zombie. I walked around realizing I wanted nothing but the truth. I wanted nothing but to feel better. Because I don't feel better yet. And I don't know why this is bothering me so much. I just know it is. So I walked and I never saw anything, just fragments inside my head. And now its Sunday night and I've realized I didn't eve watch the X Files. Granted it was a rerun, but I never miss them. Which only goes to prove my point, he has really affected me and he has no fucking clue. I hate the fact that he has both affected me and doesn't know at the same time.

Tomorrow is memorial day. And I'm sure it's supposed to serve the memory of those who died in previous wars. And yet what will I do? I will go hiking around the city for simply selfish and shallow things. Nothing as important as remembering the death of a loved one.

God just let me go to hell - its easier.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t