2000-05-30 | 05:13:48

You know I play the role of someone who is always in control, but until recently I've realized I am not what I seem to be. Or hell what I want to be. One of my best friends has given me this huge speech about trying to keep me safe from harm. How can I tell her that I was born in hell and so I am nothing but a devil's child? I know I am making jokes about the whole situation, but the thing is that sometimes I just don't want anyone to burrow themselves into me like she is doing. It gets to hard when the time comes to say goodbye. So I'm trying to rise and not let her attack these precious nerves of mine. I'm trying to play pretty in this damn swallowing sandbox.

Today I bought the Whitney Houston Greatest Hits CD. I don't know why. I'm not that particularly fond of her. But the whole 2 CD's are damn good. The first one is a compilation of old stuff and then there's the new stuff also. I have to admit I've fallen in love with 2 songs. One was pointed out by the kwazy boy when he told me about that specific song, but the other is a newly discovered classic 'Joana' song. I'm definitely keeping it in my index of kick ass songs. I'm not going to talk about both of them. I'm just going to keep them close to my heart.

You know I don't want to hurt anymore. I wonder if there is this recipe for making me happy, and actually keeping me happy. When I was younger my grandmother used to tell me that I would never be happy with the world around me if I wasn't happy with myself. I haven't learnt that lesson yet! I'm hoping that sooner or later it will come to me. The sooner the better that is. Another friend of mine told me that I give to much of myself to people that I care for. That I should be able to live without each and everyone of them. They are only friends after all. And I wonder if that is really the case. Should I really become the girl in this metaphorical bubble who can live without anyone? Won't I hate that? I don't know anymore. What I do know is that either way I am not happy. I find myself lost and I don't know where to go from here. I wish I did but it doesn't look like I'll be getting instructions anytime soon. I just want to be happy. Is that so wrong? I'm thinking if I find some happiness I won't let go off it. I'll hold onto it tightly and wish for more. But now the search begins for the happiness that should be there for me already. But then again life is always a search. And it seems like I have been on this neverending quest to find something that will make me smile always. I haven't found it yet, but maybe if I look harder I might find it.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t