2000-06-17 | 04:59:19

I am not going to cry about this anymore. There is no use crying over spilt milk.

So they "laid me off". Big deal. I think they end up loseing more than I do. But whatever though, I mean lets face it, I was never one to be happy that I was doing crap proxy work for the endless 5 hours and a half. It was like coming into Dante's inferno really, so I should be happy that I don't have to make myself go into that deathtrap everyday now. The only shitty thing, and I mean really shitty thing is loseing out on the people that I really care about.

And let's face it we all said we would keep in touch and still hang out but the likelyhood of that happening is so non exsistant. Well apart from on the 29th because that is the last party at Mother. But still after that it will be touch and go. And maybe this is how friendship's should be. Maybe they shouldn't be seeing people day in and day out. Maybe it shouldn't be about knowing certain people so well that you could breathe them in. Maybe its time for seperation. Maybe its time to realize that once again the tides have turned and I am now wading around in new waters. And it will be new waters come Monday where I am going to a bombardment of appointments for jobs. But thats okay because I need to immerse myself completely now. Because if I stand still for too long I end up crying and I end up thinking how I will miss certain people and how I'm gonna wake up and not be able to see them that very day. So yes it is better for me to jump into new ground this coming week rather than loll around at home. And who knows, maybe by next week I'll be hooked up again with a cool job. Maybe it will actually challenge me this time, maybe it will excite me. Who knows?!

I just know I can't stand still. I stood still all day today. I burrowed myself in my room like I was afraid of the light and the dark. All I wanted was to be left alone to cry and mope and curse. And I was, for the most part of the day. But the result of all of this sadness now? I have a splitting headache and I really look like hell. Puffy red eyes and red nose to match do me no justice, I look like ass. So I will make myself stop crying. I will wake up tomorrow and go for a walk. I will smile at tomorrow's dinner party. I will laugh and pretend I am having a blast. Because maybe I need to start pretending again, because maybe if I pretend enough I will really believe it.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t