2000-06-21 | 05:52:30

I think I'm in love. I'm not going to go into it right now. I'm a little frazzeled about it. All I do know is that this is a damn good feeling. I feel like a little kid and I've been given free reign all over a closed playground. So I'm staring at all the glorious things to play on and I'm spazzing. Love is a little like that I think. Spazzing.

And I don't want to go into the levels of this affair and this person, because I don't want to jinx it. I don't want to jinx my feelings and his. I want to let things flow. I want to let time take its course and have it carry me through the situation. I won't overanalyze this. I will just float and be happy about anything that occurs, whether good or bad. Whatever may come I think I'll always keep this memory in my heart. So that when I look back in utter bewilderment I will know that there is one instance where the feeling was strong and passionate and I was utterly loopy about it all.

On another note things are moving in a good direction. I was incredibly sad before with the whole warped job thing but now I realize what a good thing it really was. Lets face it I didn't get my BA in college to be where I was, ya know? So the kick in the butt was good. It kicked me in the right direction. At first I thought it wasn't right, that things had halted horribly, but even though then it wasn't right, well now, now its okay. Everything does work out in the end.

I talked to my mother about relocation. About moving back to CA to follow my stars, my dreams. She asked me if I was still strong in my belief that that was what I really wanted to do. In my heart I still know it is the right thing for me to do. That making what I want of myself means that I need to move. And it will be painful. I will cry over the fact that I will miss my parental units. But it has to be done. Look at me, I'm talking like this will happen in the coming month. It won't. Everything is still so up in the air! You know what's odd? I used to fucking hate not having everything planned out. I literally scheduled everything in my life. But I've realized what not knowing where everything should stand can mean. Happiness. Why limit myself to my lines when I can always color outside of them??

Oh and what a better way to end the day than by watching Gillian Anderson on the blockbuster award show. She looked oh so pretty and oh so charming. Me liked. Of course me was also a tad buzzed on a few cosmos but that is a completely different story for a different day.

It's funny when I was a kid I used to think I was silly in keeping memory boxes. They were never really boxes. It was more along the lines of me keeping mementos in a stored place so I would always know that I had them. Today I found the ticket to my last concert and I smiled. I found one of the sketches E did of me and smiled again. I found the photo of the glamour girls and giggled. We thought we were the pink ladies, striking the rebelious drunk pose. I washed my hand in the glass chamber that contained all the matchboxes I have collected so far. I just swam through good memories today, that's probably why I haven't stopped smiling all day. It's just been nice.

I have a part to go to Thursday. Technically I know I should go because its good etiquette for me to do so. I like R and he did come to my party. But do I really want to be surrounded by people who still look at me as this kid who just popped out of college with a wild look in her eyes? I mean I've always been this to all of them. I don't know why this would bother me now. I think its just that I've realized I can say no and really mean it. Of course the possibility of bringing the devilish pair from the lush trio is a good thing. I haven't seen them ever since the last night at Coffee Shop and it would be nice to hang out with them, make fun of all the "beautiful people". I think I will decide tomorrow. I will call both and ask if they are up to batteling the yuppidom with me. If not? Well there's always another day of excitement.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t