2000-06-23 | 23:45:37

Early morning and I woke up. Put on my perfect smile to see the one I will miss the most walk away from my life, back to his in a seperate world.

And I wonder if there really is nothing missing in my life, then why do I miss him so much? Why did I cry as he waved me goodbye. I told myself I would be Scully strong. I would put on that brave little armor and pretend it didn't affect me. But it does and it did. And he was so charming about it. He told me that we were meant to meet and that this wasn't a goodbye but a so long for now. Our lives are so different, so seperate. And yet so familiar at the same time.

And now, now after I've shed my tears I realize I was so lucky to have met him. I was so lucky to have had the opportunity to have my eyes opened by someone who was so passionate. Someone so completely opposite and similar to me. So I'm trying to promise myself that I'm not going to cry about him anymore. He asked me not too.

But shit, why oh why is it that when I finally find this incredible person he is leaving me? I mean I knew he was leaving from the start. I think thats why I didn't get my hopes up too high. But then how was I supposed to know we would both fall. Granted the UK isn't that far away from NYC, but still, I'm going to miss his arms around me. I'm going to miss his goofy smirk. His incredible smell, and the way he would pull my hair back as we shared our first kiss. And the kiss was so damn good. This boy is going to drive me crazy. I know I'm going to be up in bed late at night when I should be sleeping and instead I will be thinking of him.

I wish I could have gone with him. I seriously do. There was that brief moment that I just thought, "what if I go? What will happen then?" And even though I can imagine living back in the UK again I don't know what I will do once I'm there. But I have to admit, my heart is definitely there now. He took it with him.

I know I'm being such a fucking girl - and it annoys me also, and yet I really felt safe with him. Safe in his love and comfort. Safe in his arms and safe knowing how open and honest we've been to each other. I can talk a lot and anyone in real life knows that, but this man, this man left me speechless.

I miss him so much.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t