2000-06-26 | 07:07:21

There are just certain things that are not meant to be. And why do I demand that they are? People don't change and they never will and yet here I am thinking I can change a fucking piece of coal into a diamond.

Never gonna happen!

I have to stop wondering why and how and when. Everything's over. I've been set back for far too fucking long now. I need to get my ass back into business. I need to do the things that create and stir the passion within me. I'm so sick at being stagnant, like a lake in the wilderness, with nothing but flies swarming around me. I'm not fucking dead yet and I sure as hell know that I can't remain this way. I guess I should thank the situation for pointing out what I lack. For giving me the balls to actually do what I did. And besides just because I had a halo before doesn't mean that I carry one now. If they assume I'm a bitch well then I'll play the role. Besides good girls always fucking finish last. And I'm so sick and tired of waiting as I'm the last to cross the damn line. I'm not gonna stand for that type of shit no more.

Miraculously I didn't go out with the ex-coworkers who are now co-workers again. I thanked whatever luck I recieved tonight for both of their flaking. I really was not into a "look at me, look at me" party mood tonight. All I wanted was to watch 'Sex and the City' and get some sleep. A nice clean nap. Did I fucking get that? Oh hell no! I go off to meet the last person I wanted to meet and yet I did. Listened to torment and bullshit, stood up and realized I just really didn't give a flying fuck and left. I don't know why I'm like this now. I think its just that the filter I used to have now is just gone. I just don't want to take the bull anymore so instead I open my mouth and I let it all hang out. I know being this blunt has caused me problems in the past, but fuck it, better being honest then superficial.

On another note. I have an magic 8 ball. I never believed in them, up until a week ago when suddenly the damn magic 8 ball knows everything. How that can be possible I have no clue. It just tells me the truth when I shake it. Of course I think unconsciously I already know the answers to my questions and its only after I shake do I get the strength from the previous unconscious decisions I made. Still its spooky that sometimes I shake and out pops the blue answers that are swimming inside my own magic 8 ball head.

I know I told myself that I was going to try and not be so materialistic. I can't help it though. I'm finding that I am a huge consumer of crap. Everything from tons of magazines to shoes. Oh god I'm the fucking Imelda Marcos of shoes. The fetish never stops! I always want another pair to match something else which will inevitably match the outfit I also recently purchased. (God I'm such a fucking girlie girl).

So the rules are set for now. And what can I lose from the certain outcomes? I am so totally choosing to ignore the other crap. I'm just going to close the door to it. I don't think they matter anymore. I don't think I care about them anymore at all either. All I'm going to do is follow my own footsteps. And if my feet fall out of the damn rythem then I know that its not by the choice of the others but by mine. I won't count anymore. I 'll just go for another round on the dance floor. I'm going to let my feet take myself away.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t