2000-06-27 | 05:10:22

Maybe its not so good to be back after all. Tonight just left a bitter taste in my mouth. Granted I was happy to see some people but others I wish I never had the possibility to see. And I know I really am the one doing this to myself. That I could quit anytime I want to from this dysfunctional family, and it really is one - not a company what so ever. And yet I have this childish revenge inside of me. I want to end it on my terms. I want to fuck with them as much as they fucked with me. But does this mean I have to swallow the bullshit I am handed to now?

Its just fucking ridiculous. I was given rules today to adhere to. Like I'm some fucking reform school when they called me back to work. They wanted me back. And of course I said yes because I was greedy for the petty cash they give to me. I was greedy to be back near people I wanted to be back. And now, now I feel fucking stupid. I feel like they are just rat bastards.

And I'm starting to think, did I really expect that it was going to be THAT easy to just waltz back in. To pretend that they never gave me the boot in such a crappy way? And am I just being too greedy for staying there because of money and people? Am I being too selfish? I feel like my dignity and pride are waving big "fuck you" signs at me. Like they think I've lost it.

And I hate the fact that I feel like everyone knows I was laid off and now I'm back with my tail between my legs. I hate the fact that I feel like no one was loyal or truthful at all. I hate being this paranoid and I hate having to think that everyone there is so damn superficial. I really wanted to believe that they weren't at all. But I guess I was dreaming. I guess I was being too silly, too childish to think that people can actually be honest and not shitheads.

I think I am also angry at myself. That I am letting this happen to me. That I have no fucking dignity to actually tell them to fuck off and to eat my dust. I wonder why I am this masochist. I must be. I mean I must like people treating me like shit in some form or another. FUCK!

OK I am just going to think happy thoughts right now. I am going to try and think that I am doing this for the money and for my childish revenge. I am going to try and forget the fact that I feel like shit even though I know I should be. And damn them all to hell.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t