2000-06-29 | 05:07:34

You know when your a kid and you get that certain something you've been wanting since forever? And your jumping up and down because your excited. You've finally gotten what you've been wishing for and so now you play with it for a while and then you let it be. You grow bored of it. I'm scared of this reaction.

I'm scared that now that I have something amazing I will grow bored of it. I am such a fickle girl that now, this small detail is disorientating me - making me woozy. And what if this isn't what I'm thinking it is. I mean how can you tell when this really does occur and when it doesn't.

My head is spinning right now. I know I have various decisions to make and I'm scared shitless. Scared to be this reckless, to think of nothing, even my future feelings. What I'm doing is living in the moment and although the moment sounds fucking fabulous is it the smartest thing to do when I look back on this?

My friend told me tonight that I only live once so I should just go and have my fun while I can. But this seems so out there to me. If I do what I want I will really just be jumping over my feelings. My thoughts. I don't know if anything is making any sense anymore. What I do know is that this keeps me thinking of all the pro's and con's and should I be this crazy? Because it does seem insane. It seems like something I would never do.

*arghhhh!!!!*

Sometimes I wish I just knew my life in advance. I wish shit wouldn't be as hard as it really is. And what if I am overthinking this? I mean if I am should I take the plunge and if I'm not does it mean it was never right to be? My predicament is that I'm just scared about this all. Scared shitless.

I have been battling with migraines again as of late. This truly sucks. I mean headaches are already annoying but when I get a migraine I simply don't want to see any light or hear anything. I want to stay in my dark room, cooled by my AC with ice on my forehead and popping certain pills like candy. Because truly that is the only way I start to get better. Everything has to be silent and usually it takes a while but sooner or later its gone and I sink blissfuly into some sort of sleep which then when I wake up I feel refreshed from. Like I woke up from the dead. But as of late I am not waking up like that at all. I am still waking up with the damn migraine, and that, that is just friggen painful.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t