2000-07-10 | 04:52:16

In immersing myself in emotions this weekend I realized one thing I sorely missed.

I'm a bitch.

Yes its true, and I missed being a bitch. I can't deny my bitch roots, I've had them for years - why try to bother with so much emotion? What are all those silly crying fits going to do? Absolutely nothing but give me wrinkles. So I stopped. I looked around, told myself to fuck it and made myself a martini and had a smoke.

And now, now things still hurt but I'm trying not to look too hard at the sun while I'm wearing my chi-chi-frou-frou sunglasses.

I have this important interview tomorrow for a job. I really want it and I'm going to try to do my best to win her over. I have to. I'm going insane where I'm working now. Everytime I see those minutes slowly tick by I want to get up and shout, "MUTINY" and go on a mad rant while tossing everything all around. And of course I know I should just be glad and happy I have this crap work but I want to get out of there. I think if I do I will finally start living, because right now I'm in the world of the living dead. I feel it. I feel the crappy karma - and hell I don't even believe in karma!!

I miss my hair. Yes I know its a pathetic thing to admit, but I really do. I miss being able to run my hand through the back of it. Now when I do, my fingers fall short on the small strands. Its so girlie to admit, I know, its just that I don't feel girlie at all. In fact I feel more of a tomboy now more than ever. And before it wouldn't bother me but now it just does and I really don't know why. It's silly and stupid, still it made me sad.

I'm being such a fuckwitt that I'm off, I'd rather be stupid without an audience than with one.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t