2000-08-29 | 21:32:51

Updateing from a jail cell - or what feels like it.

The choices have always been mine and why is it that I never think enough about them? I mean really? I never thought I'd hate myself as much as I do as of late. It seems like my better days have been left in the past and I'm barely surviving now. And I know that sounds awfully dramatic but I never thought that I would feel this useless in my life.

And a woman who is like my sister told me that I should stop thinking too much. I should just do. But how do you just do if you have patterns and words infront of those very steps you want to take? Seriously. And I'm amazed that the great joy to my life right now is to spend time alone. any time I can get. I'm hardly online for certain reasons and even though it feels like I cut of my own limbs while doing so I also think that I'm trying to conquer some beast within me that does nothing but make me type words that shouldn't be spoken of. That should be left unsaid. That should be quietly kept in a dark jar by a corner.

Today I took a look in a mirror and was nauseated. I'm not even girlie anymore. I do nothing. I just choose to not dwell on the fact that I could use a little mascara and some lipstick. Fuck it I think. What's the use of that crap anyways?

It's been a strange and hellish ride so far this week and I'm trying not to let myself think about the upcoming days. I just want some peace and quiet. I want to rest in the presence of my own head. Not filled with words or sounds. I want to just be.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t