2000-10-02 | 05:16:04

Too much confusion in my life right now. It's drama I don't want or need. If I could only map out these things then maybe they wouldn't have such an effect on me. But they do.

I want to quit so badly I can taste it. I want to come into work tomorrow and tell them that its my last day and sayonara. I want to be able to take this week and work my ass off into finding something else. Actually participating in what I want instead of letting it drift by me. I'm not where I am because I want to be. I'm here because of what others expect of me. And I don't like that. I don't like that one bit. But I know nothing will change. Tomorrow I'll go into work and be as unhappy as I am everyday I go in and then do the same deal over again everyday this coming week.

I know my parents want me to be happy and to have success but maybe this minor success is causing too much conflict within me. I shouldn't feel this shitty after I leave work. I shouldn't feel like a burden has lifted off my shoulders everyday. It's pathetic but I work with a headache every day and as soon as I get a chance to go away from the office, whether it be my lunch break or going home I find myself either puffing away at a ciggarette or trying to fill my head with music pouring from my headphones. Trying to drown whatever emotions rolling in me. I keep saying, one day more - one day more. But life is to be lived. I could die tomorrow. I should grab life by the balls and do what I want. What makes me smile, what gives me great joy. Except I feel like I need permission and since I don't have it I find myself festering in a position I don't want to be in. This shouldn't be this hard. I shouldn't feel this bad, this icky.

Talking about icky I just wanted to be like 'ewwww' on Saturday when I talked to someone on the phone. There are some things I just personally don't want to know. It's like, 'hello too much information!' I seriously felt icky when I got off the phone and I just wanted to erase those like 8 minutes from my life. Really that whole thing is completely abormal and for me to listen to this person babble about those things seem so ridiculous. I feel like what they have is just so out there that it can't be understood and well I just don't want to understand them either. I'm done with understanding everyone and their mother. I want to understand myself more now a days.

I feel too confused. I wish I could get someone to tell me that what I want to do is okay and what I'm about to do is a big thing but that maybe it will work out for the best. But no one knows that and I don't know that either so asking for any sort of definite answer is so beyond pointless I won't even try.

For the mean time the lunch at home was nice. A little annoying at times but I'm glad my friend had the opportunity to come also. It was nice to actually talk to someone today and not nod at the drivel being thrown at me by people I find I have nothing in common with.

Still haven't developed my film. Guaranteed when I do there will be some trippy pictures on there. Too many outings and only one film. Sometimes a Kodak moment can get anyone into trouble so I shudder to see what will come out of it when I finally do get it developed.

I need to go to sleep. I only wish I could actually get that much needed sleep. But it looks light its going to be another night of tossing and turning for me. My problem is that my brain can't stop functioning. It doesn't turn off at night. It's always on overload. One of these days I'm seriously going to have to blow some steam or else I'll explode.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t