2001-01-29 | 04:35:00

"That's not fair!"

"You say that so often. I wonder what your basis for comparison is?"

~ Sarah & Jareth, 'Labyrinth'

You know I am trying to really be good about certain things but I'm only human and I'm getting sick and tired of things. And I suppose technically its only because I am always battleing with good vs. bad on my inside. Like it's this constant war within me. But usually. Usually I'm some sort of fucking Sandra Dee. It's so pathetic. People that I know care for me and love me see this. They expect me to be the 'good girl'. They know I won't be reckless. That I will always think before I speak and act. And I'm so tired of it all.

I wish I were some sort of reckless free spirit that went wherever she pleased and spoke and did as she pleased. Because I'm not, and maybe I never will be. But maybe I need this time to discover if this is the 'me' that will be sticking around. After all everyone needs to fall into their own gaping holes. And what if I run my stockings while climbing out from these craters? Maybe that's what life is all about. To find your own destination. Your own markings.

And yet I can't. I feel like I'm molded into this shape and if I extend it in any form things will look drastically wrong. That I'm supposed to be a certain way and that if I want to experiment in any other direction well then it's just blatently wrong. And what am I supposed to do when I feel like this kid is bouncing inside of me? I mean if I look at it one way every 24 year old woman I know is bright and interesting and can portray some grace. I'll be lucky if I don't fall during the day. Because I'm always falling. And I know I should be proper for my age but frankly I love things that little kids still do. Give me a pack of glitter crayons and stickers and I will be smiling all day.

I wish I had this sexpot reckless fiend within me. Ready to pour out. Ready to be able to use sex to her advantage. But I don't. Hell most of the times I look at boys and scrunch my eyebrows together and think "hey they're cool to sit around and talk to and maybe even play a few video games with, but kissing - ewww." (And this is sad, granted I know but there is nothing that I really know how to stop or do myself.)

Tonight's episode of the X Files had a genie in it. Granting certain characters and I thought to myself if I could have 3 wishes that would be tough. Because I would want to wish for the health and happiness of everyone I know and for my family memebers. I would want to wish for as much money as I could have so I would never have to worry about bills anymore. I would also wish for certain things that most people wouldn't my age. Which goes to show me that I'm a 24 year old kid. And no matter how nice I apply my lip gloss the kid is going no where.

Is this the end of the line for me? Will I always wish to be big even though I am? Because there are things I enjoy, like a cosmopolitan or a marlboro ultra light while sipping said drink, that could be considered adult like. But it's got to be something that I would much rather suck on a ring pop and watch a cheesy movie rather than sit at a bar and 'socialize'. I don't know if this will ever reverse and change so that I can metamorphisize into some sort of beautiful butterfly. And I don't even know if I want to. All I do know is that I'm confused and maybe I wish I could get the answers to the questions that are running through my head. Because it would be so much easier that way.

I saw 'Sugar & Spice' today in the afternoon. And I admit it was cheesy but still very amusing. I also have to admit that it might be more of a guy's movie than a chick's movie because let's face it when girls get together for slumber parties they are not all wearing sexy little skimpy outfits. More like boxers and t shirts. So putting some of these girls in those outfits looked a bit off to me. But it was a humerous movie and I did enjoy it for all the campiness it was involved in so I'd say check it out if you need to watch fuzzy drivel that won't alter your mind that much but will just make you laugh a bit. That's always good. Laughing just for laughing. Because you know it's good to get away like that. From your mind and others.

When I left the theatre I checked my phone and lo and behold kwazyboy had called. I didn't know if the call had been ealier on this morning or later on last night because it was all choppy. So I called him and he told me he had called when he was out. I guess I never checked my voicemail on that night. Too busy I guess and sometimes I forget to check. We talked for a bit and I asked him to come on over to where I work so that I could give him his birthday gift. Hopefully that might happen tomorrow because I don't want to send it fedex for fear it might break. It is breakable so sending it fedex might not be the smartest idea. So he said he would touch base with me tomorrow. If he does pop by maybe he and I can do lunch? Who knows?!

Well I should be calling it a night but one last thing to state. How odd was Aerosmith singing with that boy band and Brittany Spears and Mary J. Blige? That was just wrong and weak and god knows why others thought it might work? Once again I'm reminded of Brittany's booby size with that tiny shirt and her tight up the ass pants. And what's up with that sock on her arm? Let it be said that a NYC bartender started that fashion bug so if anyone thinks good old Brittany did then they are SO wrong. Yes I admit she has a body I would like to have and she's got songs that stick to your head like gue, but she isn't so very fashionable that she'd invent that little tool. Hell no. A NYC's finest funky bartender did that a while back and kudos to her.

Later kids...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t