2001-03-29 | 12:37 a.m.

I haven't found hope. I haven't found faith. But I've found how fast I can run away from things. I seriously don't know who I am anymore. I can't see from all the veils I put upon myself. Also from what other's place on me. It's horrible to admit but I see myself the way other's do.

To the certain friend that the boundaries we set have now evaporated I was a 'true friend' - or what she used to tell me was a true friend. A girl who would listen to her laugh and cry. Who would try to help no matter how far from her world she really was. Who would pick her up when she needed to be picked up and who would kick her ass when she thought the moment was needed.

I don't know if I put a lot of effort into this friendship. What I do know is that maybe the fact that we were so incompatible we rubbed each other raw. We became abrasive towards each other when really we knew nothing else.

To kwazyboy I am the ultimate drama queen. But apparently all the drama hasn't inflicted so much damage onto him since he always comes back for more. Or at least I always go back to his personality. I'm not sure yet. I haven't quite figured it out yet. Do we feed of each other's qualities or flaw's? Who's to know?!

What I do know is that not many people I do know like the fact that I hang out with him. They always speak to me in hushed tones when I mention the crazy night's we've had. And I always feel strange after. Because I see myself in their eyes and yet I don't think a lot of the things we've done to be bad. But I get tormented by people who say they 'care' with the fact that sometimes when I'm around him they think I become 'gauche'. Since I don't believe that to be true I turn away from those points of view and end up focusing on him more. Which might be why I start to get annoyed by him also. But instead of directing that annoyance towards the right person I direct it at him.

I feel bad. The poor bugger has taken a lot of shit from me. But then I have to remind myself that there are moment's when he can be very hurtful. Once when he was pissed off at me, he told me that I wasn't a Kennedy and that I should stop acting like one. I never thought I did and the certain ways I was brought up never seemed to be superior. But I chose to let it go because there are moments though that I can see how far we've both come and from what different worlds we have been brought into. Not that I'm some sort of prima donna, not at all. More like I know my path and his will sometimes reach the same destination but we take completely different paths in creating our accomplishments. But I guess in the end, in his eyes I will always be some sort of stupid drama queen.

To the British men that once were in my life I was a sister,mother, lover. I was everything and more. I was wild and reckless and careful and needy. I learnt from them and they learnt from me. I never passed by with them. I always knew they would be in for the long haul had their careless thoughts and actions not whisked them away from me. With them I saw a totally different person. I was happy most of the time but in my blue periods I was allowed to fester within my numbness. I was allowed to grow and learn and love and deepen whatever bond I created. When they left I thought I became a shell of who I was. I needed to hold them tightly so they would never let me go. But they let go first allowing me the misery and the flight of fancy to live and face demons and angels.

To my Brazilian sister I am the kid. The baby with issues. She isn't family by blood but she might as well could be. we simmer between mood's that either crash and blow between each other or soften like cotton that you'd nestle under a baby.

In her eyes I see love and annoyance. Love for me. She cares for me, this I know. But she can become incredibly irate at things I have done and said or will do and say. I think it's because she care's for me so much that she doesn't want me to go through the same mistakes she's gone though. But reality check she can't protect me from the world I create if I choose to live in it. I also become pissed at the judgments she places on certain people I care for. Some she thinks are scum. some she thinks are stupid. And I choose not to hear those words when they come out of her mouth because she will never really see those people as I see them. I still love her but sometimes I am burdened with her words. They can eradicate my pain as much as they can create it. I love her but she can become the bully in the playground of my life. Sometimes I laugh at the coincidence. If Kwazyboy and her got together they would be a pair of unstoppable bully's. They could join forces together as a group to berate me thus saving time all together. Of course they both don't like each other so it would be war either way.

To the South American grrls I am a party person. A friend they rely on for comfort and love. I always give it to them whenever needed and no questions asked. We can be together for days straight or apart for weeks. When we come back together it's always under the pretense of having fun, whether it be in a bar/club/coffeeshop. I've only shown true emotions a couple of times with them. And when I did I think they became scared of said emotions, like flailing wires jumping about in electric shocks. I know they say they are there for me and I think I believe it. I know they care for me but not as much as I think I care for them.

But then that's the story of my life. I never give a little. I always give a lot and get back a little.

To the new diva's I think I am fresh young meat. But not in the bad way. In fact I think I have become friends with them because they see something in me and are willing to spend time with me so that I can let it out. They do their best to understand me. I don't think I mystify them because they've gone through a shitload also. But I do think they see where I'm at and where I want to go to and they like me for me and not for what I can offer. Because they know what I have to offer and they can take it or leave it. They like me. And maybe that's what counts the most. That they are willing to talk and listen to me and be honest and not play mind games. I like that. It's refreshing.

I see so many things and I know other's see many more in me. I'm a Gemini for god's sake - talk about personalities! Except the truth of the matter is that I don't see myself for me. I see what other's see - or at least I try to. And perhaps this is why I am so angered and sad at this current period of my life.

I have never really been me for me. I've been everyone to someone but nothing to me. I don't even know if that makes sense. I just know that the truth hurts and this was a whopper when I tried to break my jaw with it. The ultimate jaw-breaker.

The struggle for me now is to give in. To simply think and be what I want to be. Not to care of other's. To not wince at the brutality of what some people can say and do to me but simply live my life day by day. Because maybe if I start looking at the bigger picture in all of this I might stop dreaming of consuming pills that will kill me. Maybe I will realize that the only things I need are the things with me now. Or maybe I will just let it all go and learn to not give a damn.

Perhaps in not caring I can find a higher peace within the madness of this world. Because deconstructing everything is what I've done. Maybe my chance now is to be free. To stretch out my arms and fly. And as cheesy as that may sound maybe I just need to free fall into life and not pace and predict my future.

In a dark movie theater I once heard silent words bursting into cheers - Carpe Diem. I think I should begin to seize the day - if not for others, for me.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t