2001-04-02 | 12:45 a.m.

So I've become the idiot I was previously. Yes while watching the X Files tonight I turned into the bumbling idiot once again. But then I can't help it. Hottie with the pouty lips is back and all is well in the sad pathetic land I live inside my head and on my TV screen. Of course the fact that I kept chanting "my baby's back home" in my head is even more sad, but I won't even go there now.

Due to a hassle with my first paycheck I will be able to access funds on Wednesday. Or well the majority of my funds. I think this blows. Especially since I was supposed to have received the check on Thursday. But since it never came I had to deal with this shitty hassle over the weekend. Hopefully this will be the first and last time though. If I have to put up with this shit all the time I have no clue what I'm going to do. I just know it won't be pretty.

I am happy to know that this coming Friday I will consume libations amongst the wonderful company of the lovely ladies - also known as the diva's, but most commonly known as Riot 718, Partygirl, Cubiclegirl, and hopefully Gingi. I think a few other people that I know may show up which should be interesting, but either way the night promises festivities of which I will be more than happy to partake in. Which is good since I need the music/drinks/funny people action.

I have to stop playing with fire. Because really I've never disclosed this but I am scared shitless of fire. Oh yes I can light a cigarette/candle/ incense and not have a problem with that. But fire. Fire in all it's madness and fury, yeah that I'm scared of it. And it always seems as if I end up playing with dangerous people. It can't be good for me mentally or physically so I have chosen to step back from them all and say to hell with it. To actually make my own way. Because essentially isn't that what's most important? To find your own way in life? I think I'm beginning to realize that it's not the amount of noise on a ride you experience but also the amount of quiet that will lull you into security. Because having noise is exciting and fast paced but the quiet brings me into focus of what is at hand. Of what I have to do to overcome my fears. My sense of self has altered considerably. I am changed. I know that now. I am not the pigeon in the box. I am the girl who just broke out of her glass structure. And even though I know this is super cheesy I think I'm going to make it after all.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t