2001-04-25 | 4:57 p.m.

�My moods are the equivalent of Madonna�s dancing: inappropriate but all out. If I�m going to be sad, I might as well be the saddest a girl can get. And if I�m happy, I want to be the happiest. The trouble is, I feel highs so ecstatic that just being normal feels like a thousand-mile drop and being unhappy is excruciating.�

~ Viva, Namedropper

Organized chaos. That�s what it is. And maybe that�s why I love it so. Knowing that I have it within me and surrounding me.

However, where it terrified me before I am now happy to float amongst it. I�m not letting it hurt me in paths that crisscross skin so delicate and fragile that are paper thin yet tough as leather.

I�m not allowing myself to be scraped along the floor like some dirty washcloth. For once in my life now I am learning how to feel right. To be all right with things. With people. With moods. With the anonymity of it all.

Everyone is anonymous. No matter how hard they try to attach themselves to that spotlight they still feel the chill of the shade most of the time. And they will most likely bask in the shadows once again. Because there is no use in sitting and wondering. Why look into other people�s windows when yours is packed with travels far and wide?

I�m not going to think twice anymore. I do it too often and it messes me up. I�ve accumulated so much in this short time of my life that I should learn from those various bags and not keep them locked up away in the storage closet. Because if I never look at them then the dust will accumulate and when I do eventually open that door and call out my name the dust will settle into a deep fog. And what�s the use of being held by hands that have no power anymore? Because chances are that I am stronger. I may seem like I�m losing tethers, but I�m not. My rules of logic don�t apply to anyone, least of all you.

This morning as I walked myself to work I looked up and saw the sun in the sky. And most parts of it were clouded over by the sky. But there was a ray here and there shining down, cutting across clouds that tried to filter it�s presence. The clouds had no power over that ray. Because it shined on, and I smiled. I smiled because I felt its warmth. And I know that I will feel its warmth again, whenever I do look up at the sky - whether it be night or day. Because just as day brings the sun, night brings the stars. And they are just as eye catching as the beaming sun.

And no bond I break or make now will disqualify me for the final races. Because those races are meant to be taken by me. I am meant to walk the path I do. And so I�m going to let myself break a few rules here and there. I�m going to be bad and good and mix it up, because I�m going by my own set of rules. Rules, which will bend and mold into whatever form I, end up taking. Like some sort of wax dummy aching to be formed and conceptualized by the hands of its maker. And I�m making me. If that makes any sense? And it�s not about turning a new leaf, more like working with what I�ve got. Because what I got works. And I know this, except I keep forgetting it.

�If I listen long enough to you, I�d find a way to believe it�s all true. Knowing that you lied - straight faced while I cried. Still I look to find a reason to believe.�

Lyrics can say and show you so many things. Words are ever powerful - as always. These showed me that I give and never think about myself. Especially when it comes to certain people. I choose them over me every time. And isn�t that sad? And it�s funny how you think people show you the way, but eventually you think they lead you astray. You want people to make your own decisions because you�re so scared all the time. But the truth is that you knew I was lying to myself. How can I miss someone who I�ve never been? It�s time to pick up my feet and go. And not in the sense of space. I�m not allocating anywhere. I�m not moving or running. I�m just opening. Unfolding so to speak. And this time I�m not looking over my shoulder.

It�s very hard to be half of who you really are. Because you always think that you are never ready, your learning, you�re burning your way down whichever road. Well there�s something inside of me that made me crazy. I always tried to keep it all compartmentalized. In order. Never letting it see that ray of light. But I�m coming alive. I�m learning to feel the burn, the pin pricks, the wetness, the softness, the hard yielding surfaces of it all. Like a fish caught in a net. Before I lay there knowing my fate would just come and attack me. Now I�m flopping about and making a scene. I�m moving and going and burning and eventually my eyes will show me the truths I long to see. There is a point to all of this. I�m not going to go home alone after this all. Because I�m not playing a role. I�m not getting knocked down. I�m not in doubt. No little pieces of me have shattered. There is just need. A need for me. To choose myself in order to live sanely.

This sounds mad. But in my head it works. It works better than telling them all to sod off. Because I have nothing to show them no matter how much I think I may. In the long run they will be no longer found and I will be here. Smiling. Knowing that I�m not trivializing or manipulating myself. And if by chance I fall into that pool - well then I will be the one holding those reigns. I won�t be longing for the path that I never took. Because chances are I�m not going to live them in my dreams anymore. I�m going to make them day by day.

p r e v i o u s // n e x t