2001-04-30 | 1:49 a.m.

The Contents of My Head:

1. Like Lisa from the Simpson's once said: 'Romance is dead. It was bought by out by Disney and Hallmark, then processed, manufactured, packaged, and put out for consumer consumption." (Rock on little girl, because you know that's the truth.)

2. Rose Walker, a character in 'The Sandman' once said: "It makes you so vulnerable, it opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenseses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person comes along, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you, they don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes you hostage. It gets inside of you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "How perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.. It hurts, not just the imagination, not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should do that... Especially not love." (If I remember how not to feel, maybe I can feel?)

3. I have open wounds. Sometimes they shrink. Sometimes they don't. I have all these marks on my skin but no one ever sees them. I don't allow them to see the light of day. The sporadic light of a club or the dim light of a local bar.

4.Sometimes there's too much damn space. Too much room to doubt.

5. I think I'm changing. I look at everything in my life in an entirely different way now. I see what's

really important. The people you love. The people I don't. What I can and cannot give up. What I can walk away from. It's all so simple when you finally realize you've come to this point. You think it's going to be a mass of complex and intricate cobwebs but it's not. Because you see you have the blow torch that has cleared your path and you never realized you did.

6. Saturday night was a consumption of too much liquor. So much that I completely felt incoherent. I believe that it was probably the first time that I was really that drunk. And how drunk may you ask? Well it hurt to breathe. I'm not kidding you. There was a moment where I was sitting down seriously trying my best to keep my breath coming. And no sooner than I began to think about it I was grasped and taken outside. Trying to feel air that I couldn't. I was brought home and taken to my door. And now I'm ashamed that I acted like such a beast. How disrespectful of me to be under the influence like this when I think I end up upsetting people's night out. Which I most likely did. And so I apologize profusely and hang my head in shame because it's going to be a while before I can look at these people straight in the eyes again.

7. My head still hurts. Like a jackhammer pounding away the noise and pain has yet to cease. I've done the ice. I've done the medication. I've even slept. Nothing helps. And so now I have to become content with the fact that this headache ain't going anywhere.

8. The X Files today wasn't that special. Yes it's always nice to see David Duchovny's pouty mouth - but seriously that was just weak.

9. Boy we are so different and so similar it's quite scary. From your statements in the beginning of the night we stand at different positions, and yet we still somehow manage to find a way to be able to look each other in the eye and try to make each other laugh. The truth of the matter is that we both have different bonds with different people and that will never be understood by us both. We just have to take what we can from where we are now. It's all about respect and I'm glad we still both understand that. And thank you for taking care of me at the end of the night. As much as I apologize I know I acted like a dumbass. Still I do apologize. Never meant to cut your night so short or sort of look after me for those moments. So I do apologize.

10. Like a fairytale I am going back to bed to see if I can turn myself into sleeping beauty. Let's hope this headache will let that happen. Lull me into that false sense of security. At least for a good 5 hours. Then I'll be able to start my week. Or at least believe I can.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t