2001-05-02 | 10:09 p.m.

Can I become a new version of me? I don't know. I don't think I can remember how the old me was to begin with. But time's they are a changing and I need to step in line because that's always the way.

Isn't it?

I feel very closed as of late. Maybe it's because it's hot and I get cranky therefore not allowing me to have a good time. Also because frankly who wants to be so smiley faced when the sun is in your eyes? I feel like those babies stuck in baby carriages where they are pushed into the sun so the baby can close their eyes and sleep. But the desired effect doesn't work for me. Instead I start to pout and cry viciously. Like some sort of tangible pain. Something being ripped away from me. And it's only the sun for god's sake!

At night, when the window is open and I can people on the street I cry. And I can't help it. And it's not allergies since I've never had them. But I do. And I muffle them into my pillow, like they are some disgusting secret I should keep as hidden as possible. It's so sad. Really. And I don't know what's going on inside of me. It's this mix of good and bad and it spins around till I get this bile taste in my mouth.

Head hurts. Heart hurts. Body aches. Eye's are sore like they have sand in them. And then I end up crying, and the tears don't freshen my eyes. They just install the rule that I can cry in the dead of the night. God I'm so sappy and pathetic right now, it's so stupid. I'm so stupid.

I had drama with my cellphone. I forgot it in my jean jacket pocket. Jean jacket went into the wash. Phone go bye-bye. So now I bought the same phone once again with my phone company because apparently I'm such a good customer they are giving me a good discount. So I bought the same one. In red. I'll be wannabe Charlie's Angel's all over again. I really wanted the other Nokia. The one like my brother has. But let's face it I'm not shelling out $300 bucks for a cell phone that can and sometimes does get on my nerves big time. Hell no. So by Friday I should have the new one to re-frikken program again and then deal with. It's ok though. Whatever. At least I'll get something that'll work. Plus I don't need a boss phone to know that I'm somewhat ok.

I don't want to feel weird, but I have this thing in my head and in my heavy heart. Like I've stumbled upon secrets I wasn't. You know when you really want to know something and yet when you do it's out there and it hurts and you hurt and you want to crawl back into this hole so that no one can see you again. Well I've gotten a couple of truths as of late and no matter how much I want to cover them up and pretend I never saw them in the light of day I still have. They still hurt. This piercing hurt, going straight for the gut or the heart. And I know I'm being exploited in some twisted way. Manipulated so that I fit their molds. But how long can I twist and turn and realize that just because someone is standing beside me doesn't mean they love or care for me. Trust. It always comes down to that. Perhaps this is why I love the "Trust No One" Slogan. Because I think if I eventually follow through with that theory I would be a hell of a lot safer. Or at least my heart & mind would.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t